Tooting and Mitcham United 0 Dulwich Hamlet 1

Tooting and Mitcham United 0 Dulwich Hamlet 1
Ryman Isthmian League Division One South
Saturday 20th October 2007

Derby day on Merseyside, in the Gorbals but set aside those minor tiffs in the provinces for beside the banks of the Wandle a derby laced with passion, fizzling with excitement was in progress but them your special correspondent was roused from his reveries and set his sights upon the latest instalment of the Tooting Dulwich rivalry. From their lofty perch atop the table the Terrors look down upon ‘umble ‘amlet, languishing in the nether regions of the Division as the new management attempts to gel his disparate parts in a working model that will assault the upper echelons of the division come that time of the season when the laurels are handed down. Much to the frustration of all and sundry, peak has too often been followed by trough and vice versa, the challenge of Premier Division Hornchurch not shirked but gallantry in that defeat was quickly replaced by surrender to the gentleman of Whyteleafe for whom the joy of competing almost matches the exhilaration of victory. Hastily arranged in the wake of Tooting’s own Tuesday night capitulation to Chipstead in the FA Trophy, perhaps the hosts hoped that entertaining a misfiring Hamlet might boost their own confidence as the struggling guests were put to the sword. If that was the stratagem adopted by the Terrors then it badly backfired on them as Dulwich’s defence, missing Gbenga Sonuga, remained rock steady even against the threat of the division’s most venomous striker, Paul Vines, a dreadnought backed up in attack by the pocket battleship Jamie Byatt, a constant aerial menace despite his diminutive stature.
A shining star for the Hamlet was ‘keeper Sheikh Ceesay, who made the move from host to guest during the summer and, his tender years notwithstanding, produced save after save of exquisite quality to keep the Tooting assaults at bay. As early as the fourth minute the young custodian had to stretch himself full length to claw away a precise drive from Paul Vines who escaped into the left pocket as Dulwich waited in vain for a flag, though Ceesay was perhaps fortunate no Tooting attacker had ventured forwards in hope of profiting from the loose ball.
Returning to the starting line-up and reclaiming the captain’s armband in the absence of Sonuga, midfielder Shawn Beveney provided the first Hamlet threat as he powered through the middle of the park almost unopposed but from the edge of the penalty a drive struck fiercely failed to trouble Dave King between the sticks, a yawning chasm ‘twixt post and ball as the shot sped well wide of its target. Soon after a lobbed ball sprung the Hamlet defence but Paul Vines failed to take advantage as he prodded an ineffectual effort wide of the far upright. A long lumped ball forwards almost let Ben Abbey in on goal but in the chase for the ball he came off second best to Shayne Mangodza, whose timely header took the ball off the head of Abbey and behind for a corner. Still the peril persisted as the delivery saw the ball nodded out only as far as Joe Vines, an wild drive heading nowhere until Abbey flung himself full-length to divert the ball towards goal but lacking the venom to trouble Ceesay. A pass in from the right wing bisected the Hamlet defence, Paul Vines on it in a flash, muscling away his marker but a good strike was always curling away from goal as Ceesay dived to cover at the base of his left-hand upright. The siege engines remained at the Hamlet’s gates, a nodded ball forwards seemed destined for Paul Vines but Steve May had other ideas, battling the striker for the ball before providing relief with a telling clearance. A spectacular bicycle kick from Allan McLeod wide out on the left proved incisive as Abbey caressed the ball down, hared across the face of the penalty area but when he let fly the ball was always rising over the crossbar of Ceesay.
The inmates of the Hill, out on day release in the suburbs, had little to cheer with all the action laid before the Tooting host but then a free kick, flicked on by Beveney, almost had Scott Edgar in scoring position until Joe Vines dived in to provide a decisive tackle and send the ball out for a corner. For a moment the pressure persisted. Half cleared the corner was returned quickly with Stanley Muguo a trifle surprised to be waved onside, a momentary realisation that gave ‘keeper King an edge in the chase for the ball, beating Muguo in the race for the ball. However he might have been blushing had Edgar connected with the loose, a minute Tooting touch taking the ball away from him at the vital moment. Beveney latched on to the loose ball, veering inside and letting rip with an exocet of a drive but a foot too wide.
Tooting wasted an excellent position as a free kick 10 yards outside the area was weakly curled into the waiting hands of Ceesay whilst Dulwich too failed to capitalise after Phil Williams was cynically curtailed in full flow by Joe Vines trip, Beveney blasting the free kick against a solid wall of Black and White.
With copious openings for the Terrors, bare scraps for the Hamlet attack, Dulwich’s travelling faithful awaited the second half as a nervous patient might a trip to the dentist. Early Tooting attacks did little to dispel that fear. Two minutes in and a free kick on the edge of the area, threatened much, delivered little though Ceesay might have been hoodwinked had Paul Vines deflected effort not had the power dissipated in flight. Two minutes later a deep, deep corner was met by a bullet header from pint-sized Byatt, outjumping all without a stepladder in sight, but denied as a flying Ceesay plucked the goalbound ball from the air. Overworked Ceesay was soon back in the fray as he flung himself bravely at the feet of a charging Paul Vines to block the ball at his feet two yards from goal. Frustrated Tooting rained in attack upon attack but to little avail. McLeod lashed the ball across the face of goal having been released down the left but without a monochrome shirt to profit.
At last Hamlet lifted the siege. Twice in as many minutes they threatened King’s goal, first when Benson Paka hacked a path though the tangleweed of Tooting tackles, clipping a lofted pass in towards Beveney, only for the header to fly wide of the mark. Wit Tooting’s defence in absentia, Williams found himself onside but dallied on the ball allowing a defender’s tackle to whip the ball from his toes six yards from goal. The corner reached Jermaine Hinds lurking at the back of the box; a neat cut back inside left his marker flatfooted but the final shot was that of defender rolling harmlessly wide of King’s near post.
Allowed free rein to run across the park, Ronnie Green played the provider for Byatt, a curling, dropping shot coming within a whisker of ending the stalemate as the ball spun over Ceesay’s crossbar. Billy Chattaway came off the bench, replacing Williams as Dulwich attempted to add impetus to their attack but the tyro winger’s first major contribution was to deny Tooting the opener as Joe Vines’ thumping header was cleared off the line. Dulwich quickly countered with the youngster at the heart of an attack whose final move had King rushing from his line to hack the ball to the sidelines from the feet of an overlapping May.
Joe Vines had fortune smiling benignly upon when he seemed favourite to win the race with Edgar for a long ball forwards, only to stumble into an ungainly heap as he stooped low in a vain attempt to nod the ball back to his ‘keeper, a suspicion of handball as he hit the floor. Edgar could not profit for the mortified Vines’ blunder, losing the ball in a tangle of his own feet and allowing King to claim the ball.
With a quarter of an hour left, the dormant volcano erupted as the almost de rigueur red cards starting flying. More the pity as Dulwich were in the throes of one of their more profitable attacks, a sweeping move ending with a low ball across the face of goal sliced mere millimetres over the crossbar by a lunging defender’s boot. All the while though, behind play, fires that had not even smouldered had burst into full conflagration amid a flurry of fists. The bellicose McLeod had clashed with Muguo, a coup de tête from the fiery defender on the Hamlet man provoking an angry reaction from victim upon perpetrator. Five long minutes elapsed whilst the referee took witness statements from his assistants, all the while Muguo prowled like a caged lion whilst a stockade of black and white hid McLeod. Finally the inevitable, red card to McLeod, red to Muguo. In the wake of the dismissals both sides made changes in attack. For Hamlet Henry Darko came on for Edgar whilst Jason Pinnock took the field in the stead of Abbey.
The match still simmered, a yellow card for Des Boateng as Chattaway was felled in full flight, but destiny seemed to have chosen this encounter to be goalless. Cometh the hour, cometh the man. Second time was in the second minute when Hinds released a precise pass out of defence that had Beveney galloping off in pursuit of. Muscling aside any vestiges of defence, Beveney had sights only for goal, haring into the area and neatly drilling the ball in the bottom far corner as King tried fruitlessly to narrow the angle. Eight long minutes remained, Tooting still dangerous but with the talismanic Paul Vines seriously out of sorts before goal and Dulwich defence an Everest to scale that lone Beveney goal would end Tooting’s long, long unbeaten record at Imperial Fields whilst prolonging the Hamlet’s enviable record of never having lost upon this turf. Methinks Craig Edwards might consider ripping up this sod and transplanting it to Champion Hill?

Teams:
T&MUFC: Dave King; Dean Hamlin; Colin Hartburn; Ronnie Green; Joe Vines; Des Boateng; Allan McLeod; Matt York; Paul Vines; Ben Abbey (Jason Pinnock 80); Jamie Byatt
Substitutes not used: Matt Kidson; Ryan Gray; John Henry-Hayden; Oliver Hunt

DHFC: Sheikh Ceesay; Steve May; Ricky Dobson; Benson Paka; Shayne Mangodza; Jermaine Hinds; Shawn Beveney; Stanley Muguo; Scott Edgar (Henry Darko 80 (Meshach Nugent 90+2); Sol Patterson-Bonner; Phil Williams (Billy Chattaway 62)
Substitutes not used: Sebastian Schoburgh; Nej Hussain (GK)

Goalscoring:
1-0 DHFC Shawn Beveney 90th minute (+2)

Officials: Not known
Attendance: 275

Dulwich Hamlet 1 Whyteleafe 2

Dulwich Hamlet 1 Whyteleafe 2
Ryman Isthmian League Division One South
Tuesday 16th October 2007

The fighting spirit of Hornchurch was washed away under lachrymose skies at Champion Hill as Dulwich Hamlet found perennial bogey men Whyteleafe found themselves infused with a fortitude that seemed to seep away from the Hamlet as the match progressed. All this despite an encouraging start from the Hamlet, Ricky Dobson lashing a rising shot over the crossbar within 40 seconds of the first whistle as a corner was flicked on to him loitering on the fringes of the penalty area. ‘Leafe responded with a well-struck free kick from Callum MacLean in the fifth minute but lack of precision made for an simple pouch for Hamlet custodian Sheikh Ceesay, but their plans were thrown astray when talismanic midfielder tiger Ali Reeve was forced from the fray in the 7th minute with a back injury. Worse was to follow as a howler of Robinson proportions allowed Hamlet to take the lead in the 13th minute. Stretching to a right wing cross, Benson Paka’s head connected with the ball to divert the ball towards goal but though the direction was perfect, the absence of power seemed to make for an easy gather for erstwhile Hamlet ‘keeper Rob Tolfrey. However the guardian of the goal mind was already on the distribution of the ball and to the horror of his team-mates the ball slipped gingerly through his hands and into the back of the net.
Yet the goal proved an albatross for the Hamlet as ‘Leafe rallied and had Sean Rivers not snatched at a close range, lashed high over the bar and out of the ground, the visitors might have cancelled out the goal with a matter of minutes. Rivers’ strike partner Danny Platel also had a great chance to level matters, piercing the right flank of the Hamlet defence, but Ceesay rushed from his line to get a vital touch on the green-clad forward’s shot, taking the sting off the drive and allowing Dobson to clear up behind him as the ball ran across the face of the six yard box.
33 minutes and the ‘Leafe’s determination and heart bore fruit as the ball was swept swiftly across the park, play switched from left to right. A speculative low ball was driven in hard on goal, Ceesay unprepared and scrambling across goal, he dived to parry the ball out. However the respite was but momentary for the belligerent, predatory Platel held off his marker to rattle the loose ball into the back of the net tight to the upright. Assiduous Platel proved a handful for Hamlet’s overworked defence and five minutes before the break he came within a whisker of firing the Surrey men ahead, an incisive diagonal run from the left to meet a low pass in from the right embellished with a sweet first time strike, the ball caressed mere inches wide of Ceesay’s right hand post.
False dawn as the second half began with Sol Patterson-Bohner picking himself up from a crunching challenge to curl in a free kick from 25 yards but straight into the hands of the waiting Tolfrey. Soon after a ‘Leafe was allowed a double bounce in the Hamlet penalty area, reaching Graham Tydeman at the back but after a neat piece of juggling his angled volley was blocked by Patterson-Bohner on guard at the back stick.
The mercurial Sebastian Schoburgh reminded the fans of the electric pace with a razor-sharp incursion down the left but the final flourish was missing, the shot saved until the angle was too tight and the ball rippling the side netting.
A quick Whyteleafe free kick caught Hamlet napping on 67 minutes as Rivers took advantage of Dulwich daydreaming only to be denied by Ceesay throwing himself open the final shot. Lessons not learnt though and a minute later Dulwich found themselves trailing. Ineffectual tackling on the flank opened up the space for Platel to lash the ball across the face of goal, but the task of Rivers was made all the more easy as non-existent marking allowed the striker to gleefully nod the ball home inside the far upright.
The defence was in abeyance once more as a free kick was pumped to the back of the box three minutes later, Tydeman ghosting into the space unchallenged but a poor header spared the Hamlet’s blushes, the ball looping well wide of the target.
Hurried and harassed Hamlet went in search of redemption. Billy Chattaway struck a good effort from the edge of the box after substitute Scott Edgar had won aerial the battle for a ball pumped forwards. The industry of Steve May won a corner, the delivery finding Shayne Mangodza but his side footed strike cannoned off the legs of a defender and into the hands of the waiting Tolfrey. Part of double substitution for the final quarter hour, Stanley Muguo’s powerful run ripped a hole through the ‘Leafe right rearguard before whipping a deep cross to the back of the box, too deep for the inrushing attackers but almost dropping inside the back post as Tolfrey remained glued to the ground. ‘Leafe Denva McKenzie’s responded with a fearsome angled volley, lashing the ball goalwards but always too high as it dropped over Ceesay’s crossbar. A frantic passage of play brought the curtain down on a disappointing night as five minutes into time added on, and having forced a last-gasp corner, Dulwich launched an all-out assault on the Whyteleafe goal but cometh the hour cometh the man, Tolfrey’s earlier faux pas but a distant memory for the men in green as his heroics saw him block not once but twice from venom laced strikes inside the penalty area, first from Andre McCollin then from Paka before a third and final effort saw a combination of ‘Leafe bodies barricade the Hamlet’s way to an equaliser. As the siege was lifted the whistle blew, signalling a defeat that leaves Dulwich languishing amongst the basement boys and the management pondering from whence to conjure the magic that will gel the Hamlet misfits into the sum of their parts.

Teams:
DHFC: Sheikh Ceesay; Steve May; Gbenga Sonuga (Capt.); Shayne Mangodza; Ricky Dobson; Sebastian Schoburgh (Phil Williams 75); Benson Paka; Sol Patterson-Bohner; Billy Chattaway (Stanley Muguo 75); Junior Adeniyi (Scott Edgar 65); Andre McCollin
Subs not used: Jermaine Hinds, Nej Hussein (GK)

WFC: Rob Tolfrey; Michael Riley; Alhajie Jabbie; Ali Reeve (Leigh Douce 7); Chris O'Flaherty; Callum MacLean; Graham Tydeman; Robert Smith; Sean Rivers; Danny Platel; Ellis Conroy (Denva McKenzie 75)
Subs not used: Gavin Dilley; Sam Clayton

Attendance: 269
Officials:
Referee: Mr John McGann (Ashford, Middlesex)
Assistant Referees: Mr John Ryan (Worcester Park, Surrey) & Mr Chris O’Connor (Replacement)

Goalscoring:
1-0 DHFC: Benson Paka 13th minute
1-1 WFC: Danny Platel 40th minute
2-1 WFC: Sean Rivers 65th minute

Brentwood Town 1 Dulwich Hamlet 0

Brentwood Town 1 Dulwich Hamlet 0
FA Trophy – Preliminary Round
Saturday 6th October 2007

A monotonous match where scoring opportunities were severely rationed was ultimately decided by some astute goal poaching from Brentwood’s leading scorer Sean Thomas, whose predatory instincts ensured he was in the right place to polish off the rebound after Sheikh Ceesay had made a fine save to batter out a searing free kick from the hosts’ Terry Scotchmer.
On a undulating pitch and against high-flying hosts who had not conceded a goal in 370 minutes of football, football was never going to be pretty who Dulwich were as much architects of their own downfall as they played into the hands, or rather heads, of the Blues, Hamlet’s attack force too often starved off the ball as cross after cross, pass after pass was eaten up by the towering trio guarding the gateway to goal.
Not that Brentwood were all attrition in defence for as early as the third minute their signalling attacking intentions as Chris Neville slipped a pass down the left wing, allowing Thomas to gallop off in pursuit, turning Jermaine Hinds inside out but unable to beat Ceesay with the eventual shot, the Hamlet number one spreading to block the drive with his legs.
On 17 minutes Steve May latched on to the loose ball after Scott Edgar had been beaten in the air to a long Hinds pass out of defence. The nippy wingman danced across the face of the penalty area looking for the opening before letting fly with a scorching drive from inside the D but much to his dismay the strike flew wide of the upright.
The games decisive moment came not long after, a mesmerising run from Lee Noble saw him hit the floor as Shayne Mangodza went in for the tackle, the big Hamlet defender booked for his indiscretion but worse was to follow as Scotchmer’s drive begat Thomas’s goal.
Dulwich supremo Craig Edwards decided a change was in order, a frustrated Hinds the sacrificial lamb as Meshach Nugent was brought on to bolster the attack. However the Brentwood’s gargantuan guard feasting on the tasty morsels Hamlet were tossing them, Dulwich found themselves starved of chances. Indeed only Stanley Muguo spectacular volley came close to wiping out that lead before the break, Muguo letting rip as Nugent’s header dropped at his feet but the volley dropped wide of ‘keeper Mark Palmer’s right hand post by a fraction.
The wounded beast was stung by that narrow escape and soon Brentwood were setting up camp in the Dulwich penalty area as corner after corner rained in on Ceesay’s goal but the young custodian was not found wanting, first turning away a shovelled volley from Neville after the defender had hammered back Ceesay’s punch out, then turning a vicious inswinging effort from Noble at corner flag against the top of his crossbar and behind. A third corner again saw Ceesay in top form battering down a close range effort before flopping on to the loose as at last Hamlet could lift the blue siege. However Brentwood still threaten again before the break as sloppy Hamlet midfield play saw the ball surrendered to Noble, his cross field pass picking out Joao Carlo loitering across the field on the left. Rather than take on May though he elected for the extravagant, a dropping lob trying to catch Ceesay off guard but only clearing the bar.
The second half brought more from the Hamlet but with Brentwood intransigent in defence there would be little relief for beleaguered Hamlet and her frustrated fans, who demand, if not skill, at least effort and simplicity. That the former was there was no doubt, but the latter was replaced by over elaboration, intricacy where ease should rule. The Blues content to watch Hamlet dance in front of them before a well-placed, or often not, challenge ended that particular endeavour. Little wonder that Brentwood fans choose to watch from behind Palmer’s goal for the key to their success lies there, deep in the heart of that defence. The pace of Carlos and Thomas up front did cause a few worries when the rare raids but an inability to retain their footing under challenge contributed to a quieter second half fro Ceesay. Unfortunately for Hamlet his opposite number was equally underemployed.
A powerful charge through the thick Blue line from a fired-up Muguo had the travelling support holding their breath in anticipation but a swarm of blue smothered the chance as Muguo rocketed into the penalty area. Not long after a deep ball in from the left was nodded only as far as May by Neville, a stinging strike receiving the merest of flicks from Nugent but bringing the best out of Palmer, full-length stretched across the turf on fingertip the ball away low at the base of his right hand upright.
One final card for Edwards to play, young Billy Chattaway on as Hamlet inject urgency into the increasing scrappy final few minutes. The kid had a swift introduction to football Brentwood style as Steve King’s crunching tackle left the young substitute doubled up in agony and saw the miscreant slapped with a caution from referee Mr Watson. The free kick was dropped in at the back of the six yard box, Ricky Dobson nodding the ball back across the face of goal but red shirted in absentia, the seemingly ubiquitous Neville was on hand to bullet the ball to safety with his trusted noggin. The stop start nature of a half peppered with free kicks meant interminable stoppage time but the devil sat on the Hamlet’s shoulder as the time drifted by with the best to show for their last-ditch efforts a low drive from the edge of penalty by Chattaway battered away by the massed ranks of blue-shirted defenders.

DHFC: Sheikh Ceesay; Jermaine Hinds (Meshach Nugent 27); Ricky Dobson; Benson Paka; Shayne Mangodza; Gbenga Sonuga; Shawn Beveney; Sol Patterson-Bohner (Billy Chattaway 87); Scott Edgar (Phil Williams 65); Stanley Muguo; Steve May
Substitutes not used: Anton Innocent; Nas Hussein (GK)

BTFC: Mark Palmer; Steven King; Chris Neville; Terry Scotchmer; Jonathon Whittaker; Gareth Street; Joao Carlos (Steve Harrisson 83); Dan Dafter; Sean Thomas; Daniel Carroll (Leon Diaczuk 65); Lee Noble (Donovan Wilson 59)
Substitutes not used: Trevor Paul; Nicky Mitchell

Goalscoring:
1-0 BTFC: Sean Thomas 24th minute

Match Officials:
Mr Mark Watson
Assistant Referees:
Mr Stuart Pawley & Mr Neil Jordison

Lost in translation

Charlie Croker (The Daily Telegraph) reveals the highlights from his second compendium of baffling broken English encountered abroad.

That this sort of thing marks a bond between travellers was clear from the start. Shortly after encountering a Japanese car hire leaflet (“When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn”), I found myself on a ferry to La Gomera in the Canaries, reading: “Keep this ticket up the end of your trip”.
Was there a book in this? Friends’ responses suggested there might well be. One recalled – from more than a decade before – the sign in front of construction works at a Bolivian airport: “Sorry for the bother.”
Another remembered a sign on a broken turnstile at Salzburg passport control: “Out of work.”
What soon became evident was the affection in which these verbal quirks are held. Bright points on an otherwise stressful journey, they have a charm that lingers in the memory. Who cares that the stewardess won’t smile when the brochure promises: “Wide boiled aircraft for your comfort”?
Why worry that the hotel room is tiny – just enjoy the sign that says: “All rooms not denounced by twelve o’clock will be paid for twicely.”
Hard to get too upset by a delayed train whose toilet warns: “Do not be occupying while stabilizing.”
The book, Lost In Translation, featured in the Daily Telegraph last year and sent our message boards crazy. Readers reported hotels in Krakow (“Evacuate yourself with the staircase”), cable cars in China (“Smoking, hubbub, spit are forbidden”), tavernas in Kos (“Kiss Lorraine” and “Chessburger”).
Then the book’s own website (http://www.lostintranslationbook.com/) went live, ensuring the arrival of more long-cherished gems, often with photographic attachments as proof.
Menus are a constant favourite, with restaurants, eager for business, working hard – too hard – on their descriptions: “Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.”
And so a sequel seemed only right and proper. Remembering – as we must – that the rest of the world is far better at English than we are at Dutch or Thai or Mandarin, it nevertheless seems hard not to laugh when your hotel in Greece promises: “Tonight dinner will be served in the swimming pool.” Below are some more highlights.

In front of construction works at Bolivian airport: Sorry for the bother
Above basin in toilet on train, China: Don’t throw things in the pond
Sign on windy road in the Himalayas: Be mild on my curves
Small hotel, Cornwall: Will any guest wishing to take a bath please make arrangements to have one with Mrs Harvey
Munich, Germany: In your room you will find a minibar which is filled with alcoholics
At a wadi in Oman: Drowning accidents are now popular
Czech Republic: We like 2 please our customers but if u r unhappy please see the manager who will give u total satisfaction
In Japanese national park containing monkeys: You had better deposit your baggage into the charge free lockers or it will be ours. But we are not interested in your camera. We do not like to be stared at our eyes. If you do so, we are not responsible for what will happen. We do not hope to be such a monkey. Please, refrain from feeding us
Toledo, Spain: Frozen ice available here
Dydo coffee, Japan: There’s a gallon of deliciousness in every drop
Notice on a door in Sana’a, Yemen: Physio the rapist
Sign outside cottage hospital, Caribbean: Dont (sic) park here, hearse calls daily
“Emergency exit” sign at Beijing Airport: Do no use in peacetime
On snack handed out on China Southern Airways: Airline Pulp
In Japanese car park: Please get a punch at window No 2
Restaurant, France: Fish soup with rust and croutons
Restaurant, France: A confection of plugs and geysers
Restaurant, Switzerland: Half a lawyer with prawns
Restaurant, Yaroslav, Russia: Lorry driver soup
Restaurant, Kos: Kiss Lorraine
Restaurant, China: Dumpling stuffed with the ovary and digestive glands of a crab
Hotel in Canary Islands: Great entertainment – live paella
Hotel, Lake Garda, Italy, offering early evening aperitifs: Martini & nipples On website of a French hotel, restaurant specialities include: The Salmon Smoked House; The Ham of Stage coach House; The Sausage of Ass House; Spotted frog thighs; The flap with shallot; The nice one of pig green pepper
Sign next to Shanghai swimming pool: Bottom of pond very hard and not far from top of water
Budapest: Forbidden to hang out of hotel window. Person which do so will be charge for clean up mess on footpath
Guide to Buenos Aires: Several of the local beaches are very copular in the summer
Sign on Spanish beach: Beach of irregular bottoms
Sign in Japanese park: Keep Japan green don’t burn the fire chief
Sign at the Ethnic Minorities Park, Beijing: Racist Park
Tourism brochure trying to say “Jerusalem – there’s no city like it!”: Jerusalem – there’s no such city!
Japanese sign: Don’t protrude the tartness and keenness out the staircase
Sign for disabled toilet, China: Deformed man toilet
On an oil tanker in India: Edible. Oil tanker!
Road sign, New Mexico: Gusty winds may exist
Sign in Prague hotel: Water is officially drinkable (but not for sucklings), but we don’t recommend to drink it
Hotel brochure, Copenhagen: In fire, the bells rings three times. There is a fine escape on each floor. For other amusements see page 3

Still Lost in Translation by Charlie Croker (Arrow) is available for £10; Lost in Translation (Michael O’Mara) is available for £4.99. Please add 99p p&p for orders costing £9.99 and under; £1.25 for orders over £10. To order please telephone Telegraph Books on 0870 428 4112.

Dulwich Hamlet 0 Tooting and Mitcham 0

Dulwich Hamlet 0 Tooting and Mitcham 0

(AET FT 0-0 – T&M won 5-3 on penalties)
The Isthmian League Cup – Second Round
Tuesday 2nd October 2007

Barely two days after an exhausting cup encounter with Chalfont St Peter, Dulwich were back in cup action on Tuesday night as old foes Tooting came to town in awesome form and topping the table. Both sides made changes from the weekend with Hamlet using the game to blood a new face in Gbenga Sonuga, central defender newly arrived from Tilbury and a familiar face in striker Scott Edgar, making his return to Pink and Blue. A grey drizzly night and the allure of Champions League football on the telly perhaps combined to a sparse crowd but those that were there were treated to a full-blooded encounter albeit one lacking the goals for which these fixtures are famous. Though Tooting shaded the scoring opportunities, their leading hitman Paul Vines seemed to have left his radar on charge. When Tooting did find the target one-time Terrors custodian Sheikh Ceesay was on hand to deny his erstwhile teammates.
The tie got off to a lively start, with Paul Vines going close for Tooting and Shawn Beveney firing narrowly wide at the other end. Generally, though, defences were on top in the first-half and apart from a few bookings the only other incident of note was a miss by Tooting's Jamie Byatt who fluffed a close range header five minutes before half-time. After the break, Tooting created the best chances and in the 55th minute Carl Hutchings unleashed a tremendous free-kick from 25 yards which rattled the Dulwich crossbar. Dulwich weathered the storm, however, and might have won the game ourselves in the last ten minutes of normal time when substitute Meshach Nugent went close on a couple of occasions. Firstly, he headed wide at the near post from Sol Patterson-Bohner's corner, then shortly afterwards he got clean through the middle only to be denied by an excellent last-ditch tackle by Hutchings.
Things remained fairly tight in extra-time, although Ceesay was forced to pull off a brilliant save just before the end of the first period, diving to his left to beat away a fierce shot from Paul Vines. Hamlet continued to defend resolutely and although Tooting twice went close in the second period, including a Paul Vines header disallowed for off-side, the score was still 0-0 at the end of extra-time. 120 minutes of gruelling football had failed to separate the battling rivals and it all came down to a penalty shoot-out. Both sides were successful with their first three kicks, Joe Vines converted his to put the visitors 4-3 ahead before Anton Innocent smacked his effort into the diving body of Dave King. No reprieve for the Hamlet with Paul Vines stepping up to the mark, he proved deadly from the spot to earn Tooting a third round trip to fellow Division One pacesetters Kingstonian.

Teams:
DHFC: Sheikh Ceesay; Jermaine Hinds; Billy Chattaway; Benson Paka; Shayne Mangodza; Gbenga Sonuga; Shawn Beveney (Capt.); Sol Patterson-Bohner (Stanley Muguo 97); Scott Edgar; Henry Darko (Meshach Nugent 70); Phil Williams (Anton Innocent 70)
Substitutes not used: Ricky Dobson; Nej Hussein (GK)

T&MUFC: Dave King; Dean Hamlin; Oliver Hunt; Carl Hutchings (Allan McLeod 91); Joe Vines (Capt.); Des Boateng; Jason Pinnock; Ronnie Green (Matt York 108); Paul Vines; Eben Allen; Jamie Byatt (Matt Kidson 91)
Substitutes not used: Ryan Gray; Jon Henry-Hayden

Attendance 149
Match Officials
Referee: Mr Martin Yerby
Assistant Referees: Mr Peter Georgiou & Mr Gary Dodd

Goalscoring:
Penalties:
1-0 T&M Matt York
1-1 DHFC Scott Edgar
2-1 T&M Allan McLeod
2-2 DHFC Shawn Beveney
3-2 T&M Des Boateng
3-3 DHFC Stanley Muguo
4-3 T&M Joe Vines
4-3 DHFC Anton Innocent (Saved)
5-3 T&M Paul Vines

Dulwich Hamlet 2 Chalfont St Peter 1

Dulwich Hamlet 2 Chalfont St Peter 1
The FA Cup – Second Round Qualifying
Sunday 30th September 2007

Steve May left it late, but Dulwich’s recent arrival from Welling United scored for the second successive game on Sunday afternoon to send the Hamlet through to the next round of the FA Cup. The ninety minutes were up when Steve rounded off the Hamlet’s best move of the match to deny a spirited Chalfont St. Peter side who appeared to have done enough to earn a replay and a chance to host the Hamlet deep in the heart of Metroland.
The opponents from the Spartan South Midlands League made a lively start and for a while looked the more likely to score. In the 11th minute, a free-kick from out on the right-wing caught Dulwich’s defence unawares but the unmarked Bradley Bubb just failed to connect as he attempted a diving header at the back post. Later, Terrell Lewis sent an angled shot just past the far post. It was certainly against the run of play when Dulwich opened the scoring in the 26th minute. Shawn Beveney gained possession some thirty yards out and with the Saints defence nowhere to be seen he ran forward and coolly planted the ball to the right of the advancing 'keeper and into the comer of the net. As half-time approached, the Hamlet enjoyed a brief spell of supremacy. Phil Williams, on for the injured Helder Valdez, unleashed a fierce shot which was desperately headed over his own bar by defender Steve Nott-Macaire, then in the last minute of the half the Saints defence somehow survived a bout of frenzied Hamlet attacking. First, Shayne Mangodza's header was deflected behind, then from the resultant comer another header from the same player was kicked oft the goal-line and two follow-up shots both charged down.
Despite the loss through injury of their leading scorer, Lewis, Chalfont St. Peter took control after the break and Dulwich were hard pressed to prevent them from equalising. The Hamlet had a number of narrow escapes. Substitute Ryan Welsh shot straight at Sheikh Ceesay when the Dulwich defence was caught napping by a long clearance from the opposing 'keeper, then Bubb took advantage of some sloppy Hamlet play to run clear into the box, but with only Ceesay to beat he dragged his shot wide of the far post. Bubb went even closer on 71 minutes, his close range shot bouncing up onto the top of the bar. With the Saints taking a firm grip of the midfield, little was seen of Hamlet forwards in this half, although Williams shot narrowly over the bar on one occasion after turning his marker inside out. Eventually, with just five minutes left, Dulwich’s opponents scored the equaliser that their efforts deserved. A long throw from Alan Hedley on the left caused panic in the Hamlet goalmouth and although Ceesay blocked the initial header, Welsh lashed the rebound into the roof of the net. But there was more drama to come. With the game going into stoppage time, Dulwich strung a really neat move together and when Shawn Beveney slipped the ball between two defenders in the inside-right channel, Steve May nipped in and shot low past the 'keeper from 15 yards to make it 2-1. The Hamlet had the ball in the net again shortly afterwards when Henry Darko fastened onto Williams' headed pass and fired in, but the goal was ruled off-side.
If fortune favoured the Hamlet on Sunday, Dulwich were out of luck when the draw for the third qualifying round was made yesterday. Next up for the Hamlet in the competition on Saturday week, 13th October, will be AFC Hornchurch, of the Ryman Premier Division, who won a replay 2-1 in midweek following a 1-1 draw at Hendon on Saturday.

Teams:
DHFC: Sheikh Ceesay; Steve May; Ricky Dobson; Benson Paka; Shayne Mangodza; Helder Valdez (Phil Williams 30); Shawn Beveney (Capt.); Stanley Muguo (Meshach Nugent 73); Anton Innocent; Henry Darko; Billy Chattaway
Substitutes not used: Ayoola Olatunde, Jermaine Brown, Nas Hussein

CSPFC: Michael Power-Simpson; Steve Nott-Macaire (Danny Stone 73); Adam Louth; Ray Walsh; John Carroll; Lee Togwell (Capt.); Adam Bunce; Alan Hedley; Terrell Lewis (Jerome Okimo 45+1); Bradley Bubb; Martin Deely (Ryan Welsh HT)
Substitutes not used: Mark Needham, Bradley Edmonds

Attendance 215

Match Officials:
Referee: Mr Neil West (Leigh-on-Sea, Essex)
Assistant Referees: Mr Keith Stone (Manston, Kent) & Richard Joss (Margate, Kent)

Goalscoring:
1-0 DHFC Shawn Beveney 26th minute
1-1 CSPFC Ryan Welsh 85th minute
2-1 DHFC Steve May 90th minute (+ 1)

Dulwich Hamlet Youth 1 AFC Wimbledon Youth 2 (AET FT1-1) FA Youth Cup - First Round Qualifying

The Youth Team showed magnificent fighting spirit against their counterparts from AFC Wimbledon in a pulsating FA Youth Cup tie at Champion Hill on Thursday night but eventually the rigours of extra-time took their toll on young limbs as the young Dons squeezed their way through to a 2nd qualifying round trip to the Hare & Hounds, home of Leyton FC.
The Hamlet showed no fear of their academy opponents and might well have been ahead had the pacy Alex Chambers managed to tuck away two well worked openings before the visitors had got into full gear. Unfortunately tight angles conspired against the lightning fast Hamlet striker and both chances flashed wide of an upright with the ‘keeper beaten. Hamlet were left ruing these chances were a generous free kick award saw AFC presented with a free kick a yard or two inside the Hamlet delivered in a manner reminiscent of those Dons that once plied their trade at Plough Lane. The hurtling ball was missed in flight by Hamlet’s number one Kyriakos Tornaritis, a rare blip on a solid night, and arriving like the Brighton Express at the back stick Tommy Hutchings met the ball with a bullet drive, hammering the ball low into the opposite corner.
That lead would not last long as Chambers made has mark with an equaliser that would send the home support into raptures as amidst a scramble of bodies in the penalty area he stuck out a leg to turn a loose ball past Liam Poupact, stranded out of goal, and despite the valiant attempt of the last defender to clear the ball Chambers finish had the legs to cross the line.
Barely two minutes after that equaliser Champion Hill was plunged into darkness as the floodlights failed but any Malaysian betting syndicates hoping to pick up their winnings were sorely disappointed when light was restored some quarter of an hour later.
The second half continued to produce pulsating entertainment but neither side could find that differentiating goal, so dispensation for a stop out on a school night as battle was rejoined in extra time. Five minutes of that had elapsed and with Dulwich struggling to clear their lines; the loose ball was pounced on, a bouncing shot from Luke Pigden beating Hamlet’s 'keeper inside his right hand upright. The goal seemed to give AFC added impetus as they put the lock down on the game and though Hamlet had a good shout for a penalty waved away by an unusually lenient referee when Jonathon Dickson was chopped down in the box, they could not make that all important breakthrough for a second equaliser.

Teams:
DHFC:
Kyriakos Tornaritis; Josh Murphy; Tom O'Reilly; Sean Richard; Billy Chattaway; Jon Hosking; Joshua Gonzalez; Jason Hawes; Alex Chambers; Matthew Steer; Lewis Cashin
Substitutes: Billy Thomson; Jonathon Dickson; Santiago Sarcone; Andrew Mante; Felix Mann
AFCW: Liam Poupact; Godfrey Asare; Femi Ilesanmi; Dan Dean; Edward Bell; Luke Pigden; Stevie Gilbert; Michael Kyere; Bill Dunn; Lee Davison; Tommy Hutchings
Substitutes: Aaron Snelling; David Fianyck; James Stenning; Matty Martin

Referee: Mr Ben Wright
Assistant Referees Mr Robert Redman & Mr Leonid Raihunan
Attendance: 106

Chatham Town 1 Dulwich Hamlet 4

Chatham Town 1 Dulwich Hamlet 4
Ryman Isthmian League Division One South
Tuesday 25^th September 2007

The woes of that K’s defeat paled away as Hamlet put together a fine second half rally to record their most comprehensive victory of the season so far. Work commitments robbed Hamlet of Steve Aris but the game saw the debuts of Dulwich’s new recruits from crisis-racked Walton Casuals, Jermaine Hinds in the centre of defence and the crafty Sol Patterson-Bohner added some much needed graft to the Hamlet midfield.

Caution was cast to the wind in a nail-biting opening exchange with defences constantly on their toes as both sides attacked at will. Will was not happy! As early as the second minute a sweeping Dulwich move saw the ball swept out to the left wing, an excellent low delivery catching Henry Darko unawares as it bounced in front of him allowing the alert John Whitehouse to claim. A swift riposte from the Chats as a chance was carved open for the home side but Tyran James but lifted his shot over both 'keeper Sheikh Ceesay and the crossbar. Steve May, making the first of several incisive sallies into the opposing penalty-area, saw his strike tipped onto the post by agile custodian Whitehouse. Darko tenancy would later create the chance for Stanley Muguo to unleash a sizzling strike from 25 yards out but the drive, always rising, zipped a fraction too high over Whitehouse’s crossbar.

Fancy footwork from Helder Valdez threatened to open up the home defence until a crude challenge two yards outside the box curtailed the run but the free kick came to naught as Shawn Beveney cannonball drive was charged down by the Chatham wall.

Steven Best also spurned an excellent chance for Chatham as a low cross in from the left was allowed to run as far as the Chatham man lurking on the far side of the box. With just Ceesay to beat, Best snatched at his chance lashing the high into the night sky. Once more the lithesome Whitehouse would prove to be the nemesis to the Hamlet as he stretched every sinew to get his fingertips to a rising shot from Benson Paka which crashed off the top of the crossbar. That save was to prove crucial for the hosts as Chatham struck on the break in first-half stoppage time to snatch the lead. Overplaying the ball in the middle of the park, Dulwich lost possession and found themselves quickly on the back foot as Chatham swept imperiously forward. James took possession of the ball hard left, turning inside a wrong-footed Shayne Mangodza before striking a low drive tucked tight inside the far post of a diving Ceesay, the ball bouncing in off the far post.
Strong words brought their reward and the second half saw Dulwich turn that domination at last into goals. 55 minutes and it was all square as a deep corner was headed back across the goal and in the land of the giants in the six yard box, Henry Darko snuck in through the undergrowth to nod the ball home after Patterson-Bohner's comer from the left was nodded back from beyond the far post by Mangodza.

Two minutes later and the Hamlet were ahead, an timely throw out from Ceesay picked out Muguo in space on the left and the latter's forward pass was latched on to by Beveney. With the Chatham defence trailed in his boot prints Beveney charged forwards before dancing past the 'keeper and hammering the ball home.

The overworked Whitehouse kept Hamlet at bay as they threatened to run riot, blocking a close range strike from Stanley Muguo after Darko's refusal to give up on the ball despite being surrounded by red-clad defenders had created the opening. Darko's pace was to the fore as a third goal in ten minutes cemented the Hamlet advantage, the ball pumped out of defence by Ceesay, the diminutive striker in hot pursuit before unleashed a fearsome drive a la Bobby Charlton to leave the net rippling as Whitehouse leapt in vain.

Chatham found a second wind but Ceesay proved a rock in the Hamlet goal with a couple of crucial saves including a breathtaking point-blank stop to keep Dominic Elmes from cutting the deficit. On an evening where ‘keepers shone, Whitehouse, Horatio defending Pons Sublicius albeit with less success, denied Darko a much deserved hat-trick with a well-timed block before flinging himself low to his right to batter away Beveney's glancing header. However Whitehouse heroics could not deny the Hamlet a further goal. Ceesay’s inspired ‘keeping had built the foundations for Dulwich to add a fourth three minutes from time. An intelligent cross-field pass from Patterson-Bohner picked out Paka who slipped the ball into the box. As the ball squirmed loose from a crowd of players on the edge of the Chatham penalty area into the path of May, the fullback crowning an industrious performance as he nimbly sidestepped a defender and tucked the ball past the exposed Whitehouse from 6 yards out.

CTFC: John Whitehouse; Bradley King; Danny White; Daniel Larkin; Robert Goodger (Capt.); Steven Best (Mark Murison 61); Matthew Solly; Mark Brooks; Dominic Elmes (Gavin Schulz 76); Sam Groombridge; Tyran James
Substitutes not used: Adam Boots; Tom Binks; Craig Govey

DHFC: Sheikh Ceesay; Steve May; Ricky Dobson; Benson Paka; Shayne Mangodza; Jermaine Hinds; Shawn Beveney (Capt.); Stanley Muguo; Henry Darko; Sol Patterson-Bohner (Rene Regis 88); Helder Valdez (Phil Williams 76)
Substitutes not used: Craig Braham; Billy Chattaway; Nas Hussein (GK)

Attendance 114

Goalscoring
1-0 CTFC: Tyran James 45th minute (+ 1)
1-1 DHFC: Henry Darko 55th minute
2-1 DHFC: Shawn Beveney 58th minute
3-1 DHFC: Henry Darko 65th minute
4-1 DHFC: Steve May 87th minute

Match Officials:
Referee: Mr Paul Harris
Assistant Referees: Mr Andrew Carter & Mr Jeff Lengthorn

Dulwich Hamlet 0 Kingstonian 1

Dulwich Hamlet 0 Kingstonian 1
Isthmian League Division One South
Friday 21st September 2007

Thank heavens for nostalgia; for as your humble scribe nurses a tumbler of Scotland’s finest, the memories of fabled past encounters with the fellow fallen giants of Kingstonian cloud the mind through the mellow mists of memory. The desired effect of the malt does not work its magic and all too soon the history is pushed aside by the evening’s disjointed encounter, all harum-scarum football seemingly with an goal, as aimless as a blinded archer, as rushed and muddled as the last scrum of inebriates as the bell sounds for last orders.
Had Hamlet’s play been stilted, drained one might have looked to the sapping, extended FA Cup battle with Deal just three days earlier but with the adrenaline of that victory still flowing in their veins, their was no doubting that Hamlet were wound up for this game like a clockwork toy. Unfortunately in which direction they would shoot off was anybody’s guess.
Kingstonian came to the Hill top of the pile, defeat at Tooting the single blemish on an otherwise perfect league record, their success built on twin pillars of a miserly defence and the interchangeable triumvirate in attack, the scoring prowess of Bobby Traynor and Saheed Sankoh supplemented by James Rose. Though K’s fans would see the former in the ascendancy, one freakish goal would make up for the absence of the latter.
As fast and furious as any Friday night disco the game sprang into action from the opening whistle, but the tunes being on the pitch grated as much as a Bobby Crush Techno crossover. Unsurprising then that the goal when it arrived would be as mellifluous as a post-operative tomcat bemoaning the loss of his manhood. Quarter of a hour had slipped by when referee David Buck spotted a foul where none else could and when the free kick was pumped into the box Dulwich 'keeper Sheikh Ceesay seemed to lose the ball in flight, a mighty bounce leaving him leaden-footed and allowing the predatory Dean Lodge to exploit the unfortunate custodian mishap, beating Ceesay to the ball and sliding it into the unguarded net.
Dulwich were caught at the restart and Lodge was allowed to make a penetrative run trough the middle of the park, slipping a pass behind the defence for Sankoh to gallop on to. It took a strong tackle from the alert Shayne Mangodza to take the sting off the shot of the K’s striker as it dribbled back into the hands of Ceesay.
Galvanised Hamlet upped the pace but though the football was played at breakneck speed at times, it was play of the lemming, disjointed, not knowing the final goal - too often final passes went astray or were overhit. Shawn Beveney went close with a early second half free kick that shaved the upright whilst an alert Luke Garrard rescued Simon Huckle after a wild slash at a cross sent the ball spinning in the path of onrushing Hamlet attackers Anton Innocent and Serge Musungu, dragging the ball back into his body at the second attempt as it threatened to squirm away from him.
A rare chance for K’s saw the talismanic Wes Goggin found on the corner of the six yard box but his close range effort was blocked by the body of defender Ricky Dobson. Garrard once more proved the bête-noire of the Hamlet as a series of corners midway upped the pressure on the K's goal, making a stunning block from a rasping Stanley Muguo strike from 10 yards out. Though Hamlet's football had moved into a higher gear, the K's rearguard refused to be breached, Dulwich bereft of ideas, openings and opportunities until the final throes of the game when late substitute Craig Braham made inroads on the right. An awkward pass and an acute angle combined to thwart one chance but loosed again on the wing three minutes into stoppage he picked out Beveney on the fringes of the six yard box but a flicked volley a foot wide of the upright encapsulated Hamlet's poverty in front of goal.

Teams:
DHFC: Sheikh Ceesay; Steve May (Craig Braham 90+1); Ricky Dobson; Benson Paka; Shayne Mangodza; Steve Aris; Shawn Beveney; Stanley Muguo; Anton Innocent; Serge Musungu (Sol Patterson-Bohner 61); Billy Chattaway (Phil Williams 74)
Substitutes not used: Rene Regis; Nas Hussein (GK)

KFC: Luke Garrard; Aaron Goode; Liam Cockerill; Simon Sobihy; Gavin Cartwright; Simon Huckle; Dean Lodge; Jason Turley; Bobby Traynor; Saheed Sankoh (James Rose 86); Wes Goggin (Danny Summers 76)
Substitutes not used: Tommy Moorhouse; Nick Rundell; Luke Naughton

Attendance: 475
Match Officials:
Referee: Mr David Buck (Istead Rise)
Assistant Referees: Mr Barry Lynch (Camberley) & Mr Richard Hailstone (Ash)

Goalscoring:
1-0 KFC: Dean Lodge 16th minute

Deal Town 1 Dulwich Hamlet 3 (AET FT 1-1)

Deal Town 1 Dulwich Hamlet 3 (AET FT 1-1)
The FA Cup – First Round Qualifying Replay
Tuesday 18th September 2007

Gentlemen now abed in South London shall think themselves accursed they were not here and hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks that fought with Dulwich upon this lauded day. Apologies to the Swan of Avon but Dulwich found pride and passion, battling against a sea of troubles and a Deal side as intransigent and unyielding as any of Kent’s White Cliffs. Though the game kicked off 15 minutes late as the Dulwich charabanc navigated a tortuous path through the roadworks of the garden of England, both teams clicked into top gear from the off. A pulsating first half warmed the chill Kentish night as the Charles Ground reverberated to loyal locals and hardy South London travellers, raucous encouragement shattering the suburban still as spectators were treated to a passionate spectacle easily the equal of anything served up to those snuggled in front of their televisions. Somehow it was goalless at the break, the returning Daniel Morris spinning to shoot just wide after only three minutes, Deal replying with a smart strike from Darren Waring but always rising too high. A flicked header skimmed the back post soon after, before the ever-dangerous Danny Smith wove some magic on the left but lashed his shot high over Sheikh Ceesay’s crossbar. Embarrassment for Deal stopper Gary Phipps was averted after he lost the ball to a marauding Anton Innocent on the far side of his penalty area, the ball dragged away from the Hamlet hitman by foot of Josh Davidson.
In Smith Deal possessed talent on the left wing mirrored by the Hamlet who gave a debut to teenage wingman Billy Chattaway, the two prodigies to the fore in the final throes of the first half, Chattaway rising to meet a long throw-in only for his head to spring off a defender’s back and wide of the mark. Smith made his riposte, put in on the left but from an acute angle lashing the ball over the ball. At the death Beveney galloped away down the flank to feed the precocious Chattaway, the spry winger letting rip with a flashing drive that seared a fraction wide of Phipps’ left-hand upright.
The second half was but three minutes old when the hosts broke the stalemate with a well-worked effort, a rapier like raid on Hamlet’s right flank and the ball made its way to Lee Jones who let loose with thunderous shot that gave Sheikh Ceesay between the sticks not a jot of chance. Kentish delirium lasted a mere four minutes as a Dulwich raid of equal penetration and ferocity saw Shawn Beveney escape down the left wing, leaving a sluggish marker trailing in his wake. The angle seemed too acute with Deal ‘keeper Gary Phipps marshalling his near post, but Beveney kept his cool, adroitly bending the ball low past the powerless number one and into the far corner of the net.
A stunning save from Ceesay kept matters even as Adam Govey met an underpowered clearance with a sizzling volley that had the Hamlet custodian leaping majestically to tip a fierce strike over.
Battering away at each other, the pugilistic pair exchanged blows, exchanged chances; Beveney shot too high swivelling on to Phil Williams slipped pass, Anton Innocent was denied by a fine covering tackle from Josh Davidson.
Fatigue should have sapping the last drop of stamina by now but still neither side would succumb. Beveney’s raid on the left set up Chattaway, a brace of defenders smothering his efforts to shoot and though the ball ran kindly for Innocent his shot lacked the power or precision to beat Phipps. A desperate tug by Ricky Dobson on the edge of the area in the final seconds might have thrown the game to the Dealers, the Hamlet man booked for his indiscretion when many of the Kentish persuasion were calling for his dismissal. However the chance when begging as an ineffectual free kick curled harmlessly over the crossbar.
As the last train back to London departed Deal on its circuitous route back to the capital, battle was rejoined. A scything challenge on Beveney gave Hamlet an early opportunity but Williams curled the free kick over. Deal replied, slicing open the Hamlet right flank, but when the ball reached Mark Pollard he larruped his shot high and wide from a tight angle. Still locked together at the break, the spectre of penalties loomed but Dulwich had other ideas and they caught their opponents on the hop within a minute of the restart as a free kick into the heart of the six yard box was met with a towering header from Shayne Mangodza to put the Hamlet ahead. Deal might still have forced this game to that final lottery of spot kicks but chances went begging and with two minutes left on the clock, the valiant Deal resistance was finally quashed as young Chattaway capped his momentous degut with the winner. The defence was left in a quandary as a poor clearance was latched on to by Beveney. Bearing down on goal, a third seemed inevitable as Phipps was beaten, the tireless Davidson blocking Beveney’s effort on the line only for the lurking Chattaway to pounce on the loose ball and hammer it home. Deflated Deal had at last yielded. Chalfont now await for the Hamlet.

Teams:
DTFC: Gary Phipps; Darren Waring (John Utterson 109); Josh Davidson; Adam Govey; Paul Lamb; Mark Munday (Tim Austin 112); Lee Jones; Dave Bathgate (Capt.); Aaron Robinson; David Cory; Danny Smith
Substitutes not used: Jorden Barnett; Michael Cassar; Jurgen Wild (GK)
Bookings: Bathgate; Robinson; Smith

DHFC: Sheikh Ceesay; Rene Regis (Craig Braham 64); Ricky Dobson; Benson Paka; Shayne Mangodza; Steve Aris (Capt.); Shawn Beveney; Stanley Muguo; Anton Innocent; Daniel Morris (Phil Williams 67); Billy Chattaway
Substitutes not used: Daniel Jones, Harry Vitalien, Chuck Martini (GK)
Bookings: Chattaway, Dobson

Match Officials:
Referee: Mr Carl Brook (St Leonard’s)
Assistant Referees: Mr Jonathan Gooding (Ashford, Kent) & Mr Saul Kay (Whitstable)
Goalscoring:
1-0 DTFC Lee Jones 48th minute
1-1 DHFC Shawn Beveney 52nd minute
1-2 DHFC Shayne Mangodza 106th minute
1-3 Billy Chattaway 117th minute
Attendance 186

Dulwich Hamlet 2 Deal Town 2

Dulwich Hamlet 2 Deal Town 2
FA Cup – First Qualifying Round
Saturday 15th September 2007

Despite playing in fits and starts, Dulwich contrived to miss a hatful of chances to put this game to bed against a well-organised, determined Deal side with already the scalp of Hamlet's Division One South rivals Corinthian-Casuals tucked in their belt. As a result the two teams must rejoin in battle this coming Tuesday in White Cliff country for the right to progress to the next round of this venerable competition. Starting brightly Dulwich soon lost their way and Deal took a well earned lead when Dave Bathgate took advantage of tentative tackling in the Hamlet penalty to let fly with a rasping shot from the edge of the box that flew past Chuck Martini between the sticks for Dulwich. It could, nay should, have 2-0 to the Kent Leaguers five minutes later when Danny Smith exploited acres of space on the left to hammer a low cross into the heart of the six yard box, but, marshalled by Craig Braham, Mark Pollard could only slide his effort wide of the back stick. With 10 minutes to the break Hamlet at last flickered into life, Henry Darko scampering away to pick up Stuart Booth's through ball but hammering his shot against the legs of 'keeper Gary Phipps. A surreptitious hand was missed as Anton Innocent found himself punished for a challenge on Paul Lamb as the two competed for a long ball out of defence but Innocent would have his vengeance 2 minutes later as Deal's right flank was exposed once more, the Hamlet striker letting loose with a shot from the tightest of angles when all in defence awaited a cross, Phipps in goal powerless as the shot cannoned off his diving body and into the back of the net. Hamlet took heart and on the stroke of half-time took the lead though fortune played dealt the visitors a dodgy hand. Benson Kpaka rose as if lifted on unseen hands to meet Innocent's deep cross to the back of the box, climbing high above his marker to turn a header goalwards. Would it have beaten Phipps? One wonders but the job was finished by unfortunate defender Josh Davidson who threw himself acrobatically at the ball in an attempt to clear, but only diverting the ball away from the hands of his stunned custodian and into the top corner of the net.
Half-time brought a change for the Hamlet as Ricky Dobson was withdrawn, the side reshuffled as Phil Williams joined the attack. The momentum of that late first rally still remained with the Hamlet but two key moments within seconds of each other would sing the pendulum back in favour of the visitors. Electric pace from Darko saw him slash through the centre of the Deal defence. Phipps committed but rounded by a determined Darko to the leave the goal gapping before him, a defender on the line but with all the goal at his mercy. Perhaps taking too long to consider, a mighty wallop on goal might at least have forced that last defender into some desperate measure to keep the ball out, but inside he chose to attempt a curling shot into the top corner, missing not by a country mile but by enough to instil hope in the Dealers. Shell-shocked Hamlet crumbled under the next Deal attack, defenders in limbo as the ball reached Lee Jones and he had no qualms with precision as the ball was struck home for an equaliser.
A determined Williams showed too much pace for the defence as Hamlet went goal hunting once more, the substitute haring into the box but a defender’s boot did enough as the shot spun wide of the far post. Unfocused finishing saw Williams loft a shot over five minutes after having been set up by Innocent before Daniel Jones, on for the unfortunate Darko, latched on to Kpaka’s pass but, stumbling as he shot, shovelled the ball over the crossbar. Thick and fast the shot rained in, Dulwich one minute, Deal the next. A searing solo charge out of defence brought Williams to the brink of the box but elected for a drive into the near bottom corner of the net, the ball grazing the wrong side of the upright. Scorer Lee Jones was allowed free rein to run at the Hamlet rearguard moments after, letting loose with a powerful drive as the goal loomed before him but striking his effort straight at Martini, its power rattling the Hamlet number one as pounced on the ball at the second attempt. Pin pong and Hamlet were back up field once more, this time Stanley Muguo skewing a shot wide when well-placed, before being caught on the back foot once more as a ball in from the right wing found Smith unguarded on the left only to strike his effort into the side netting as Booth made to cover. The replacement Daniel Jones came agonisingly close as the bagatelle of chances continued apace; stretching every sinew in his leg to reach a looped ball in from the right but his faint touch could not divert the ball home. The manic minutes rolled on, Bathgate unchecked met a cross with a firm header but straight at Martini, Beveney did likewise but his effort looped over. Neither side wanted a replay but it drew ever closed as the chances subsided but the Hamlet’s higgledy-piggledy play did not. Deal might rue the late chances that feel their way not least when late replacement John Utterson stooped low at the near post to nod a close range corner harmlessly over the bar. Instead it is down to the coast on the charabanc for Dulwich and the second chance saloon.

Teams:
DHFC: Chuck Martini; Craig Braham; Ricky Dobson (Phil Williams HT); Benson Kpaka; Shayne Mangodza; Steve Aris (Capt); Shawn Beveney; Stanley Muguo; Anton Innocent (Claudio De Almeida 82); Henry Darko (Daniel Jones 55); Stuart Booth
Substitutes not used: Rene Regis; Sheikh Ceesay (GK)

DTFC: Gary Phipps; Darren Waring (John Utterson 82); Josh Davidson; Adam Govey; Paul Lamb; Tim Austin; Lee Jones; Dave Bathgate (Capt); Mark Pollard (Lee Grounds 87); Jorden Barnett; David Corey
Substitutes not used: Michael Cassar; Jurgen Wild (GK)

Attendance: 209
Match officials:
Referee: Mr Jonathan Wheeler (Basingstoke, Hampshire)
Mr Andrew Roberts (Basingstoke, Hampshire) & Mr John Balcombe (Basingstoke, Hampshire)
Goalscoring:
0-1 DTFC Dave Bathgate 19th minute
1-1 DHFC Anton Innocent 41st minute
2-1 DHFC Josh Davidson (o.g.) 45th minute
2-2 DTFC Lee Jones 48th minute