The world of Formula One motor-racing, as anodyne as a WI meeting since they decided to try and get rid of the only things that made it interesting (i.e. the danger and the possibility that one of the drivers might be at least injured if not mortally wounded in some spectacular crash), actually managed to become even more mind-numbingly tedious last year with the Ferraris’, and Michael Schumacher in particular, overwhelming dominance ensuring that the majority of races were little more than an procession. In an effort to make the ‘sport’ more interesting and cling on to those vital tobacco advertising dollars, Bernie Eccleston and his cronies (sorry the sport’s governing body, the FIA) spent many hours scratching their heads in a vain attempt to find some innovative ideas that would keep viewers glued to their sets and that free-flowing revenue on tap. The public anticipated all sorts of innovative ideas that might make the racing just and little bit more competitive and return Formula One to those halcyon days of Jackie Stewart, Graham Hill, etc when the only danger a driver feared was a stray champagne cork taking out an eye. However in the end of course all they came up was a tiny bit of rule tinkering, but the rumours of what they were going to do to stop Schumacher winning every single race were magnificent.
Fed up with the inexorable march of the Ferraris to victory at each event, it seemed there were no end to the measures that the authorities were contemplating. For a while it looked as though the smut Kraut would be forced into taking the wheel of Reliant Robin to try and make things a bit more challenging, or perhaps a black cab with the fare light on, thus forcing him to stop and pick up any other drivers that broke down. At the very least he would have to drive with one hand tied behind his back, backwards or have his helmet visor painted black.
For most of this season, it has looked as if Topsy-Turvy might have to consider something similar with Carshalton Athletic. With a sugar daddy in the boardroom and Graham Roberts on the bench, they have been widely tipped since pre-season to stroll to a promotion place, if not the Championship. Despite an opening day slip up at Lewes, they have continued to sweep all before them and look set to claim their place in the Premier Division come May.
So what about some handicapping for the Robins then? Perhaps every time the venerable Steve Darlington tucks away a goal he should be made to carry a substitute around on his back for the next half an hour, or if Bernadette Ouefio hits the back of the net his shoelaces should be tied together until the next goal is scored. At least with Stuart Searle back between the sticks, it looks as if the handicappers have already been at work, insisting that the old stager be played instead of young Paul Borg. If you don’t believe me look at the Robins’ stats – in Searle’s last ten appearances (up to Boxing Day in case the Hamlet went nuts on Tuesday!) Carshalton have conceded one goal in nine of them, the only exception being two at Canvey Island in the FA Trophy.
As for the Hamlet they seem to be doing their level best to handicap themselves, results against Bracknell and Whyteleafe in recent weeks spring to mind, but should the need arise I suppose there are a number of ways in which the blazers at League headquarters (a shed at the bottom of Nick Robinson’s garden).
Lee Akers could be forced to at last act his age, putting off the young whippersnappers around him in defence by constantly grumbling that it wasn’t like this in his day and he didn’t fight a war for them all to stand idly around at corners. The Hamlet’s answer to Bodie and Doyle, Jon Ashton and Danny Husbands, should be forced to update their fashion sense from the 70’s including a sensible short back and sides with the result effect on their public image that they would probably come out on to the field with paper bags on their heads! Steffan Ball should be made to play on his knees – not a huge handicap as he’d still tower over most players and anyway his heading is not really a strong point, although it might restrict his mobility a bit. Meanwhile The Terminator (aka Danny Ward) should be sent away for elocution lessons during his next suspension. Probably won’t stop him giving refs earache but at least ‘Excuse me Sir, but despite the forward missing a limb, I feel that was a valid challenge and perfectly timed’ might elicit a better response that the usual flood of invective directed in the direction of the man in black. As for Junior Kadi, should he start turning on the style then the Lawrence Marsh Diktat is invoked, the aforementioned Mr Marsh called from the terraces to run alongside Junior and point out his failings unceasingly. What more could be done – a mobile burger van under the bus shelter to distract Martin Eede? Replace those white boots of Omari Coleman with ballet shoes? There’s no end to the steps that could be taken in the name of fairness!
Fed up with the inexorable march of the Ferraris to victory at each event, it seemed there were no end to the measures that the authorities were contemplating. For a while it looked as though the smut Kraut would be forced into taking the wheel of Reliant Robin to try and make things a bit more challenging, or perhaps a black cab with the fare light on, thus forcing him to stop and pick up any other drivers that broke down. At the very least he would have to drive with one hand tied behind his back, backwards or have his helmet visor painted black.
For most of this season, it has looked as if Topsy-Turvy might have to consider something similar with Carshalton Athletic. With a sugar daddy in the boardroom and Graham Roberts on the bench, they have been widely tipped since pre-season to stroll to a promotion place, if not the Championship. Despite an opening day slip up at Lewes, they have continued to sweep all before them and look set to claim their place in the Premier Division come May.
So what about some handicapping for the Robins then? Perhaps every time the venerable Steve Darlington tucks away a goal he should be made to carry a substitute around on his back for the next half an hour, or if Bernadette Ouefio hits the back of the net his shoelaces should be tied together until the next goal is scored. At least with Stuart Searle back between the sticks, it looks as if the handicappers have already been at work, insisting that the old stager be played instead of young Paul Borg. If you don’t believe me look at the Robins’ stats – in Searle’s last ten appearances (up to Boxing Day in case the Hamlet went nuts on Tuesday!) Carshalton have conceded one goal in nine of them, the only exception being two at Canvey Island in the FA Trophy.
As for the Hamlet they seem to be doing their level best to handicap themselves, results against Bracknell and Whyteleafe in recent weeks spring to mind, but should the need arise I suppose there are a number of ways in which the blazers at League headquarters (a shed at the bottom of Nick Robinson’s garden).
Lee Akers could be forced to at last act his age, putting off the young whippersnappers around him in defence by constantly grumbling that it wasn’t like this in his day and he didn’t fight a war for them all to stand idly around at corners. The Hamlet’s answer to Bodie and Doyle, Jon Ashton and Danny Husbands, should be forced to update their fashion sense from the 70’s including a sensible short back and sides with the result effect on their public image that they would probably come out on to the field with paper bags on their heads! Steffan Ball should be made to play on his knees – not a huge handicap as he’d still tower over most players and anyway his heading is not really a strong point, although it might restrict his mobility a bit. Meanwhile The Terminator (aka Danny Ward) should be sent away for elocution lessons during his next suspension. Probably won’t stop him giving refs earache but at least ‘Excuse me Sir, but despite the forward missing a limb, I feel that was a valid challenge and perfectly timed’ might elicit a better response that the usual flood of invective directed in the direction of the man in black. As for Junior Kadi, should he start turning on the style then the Lawrence Marsh Diktat is invoked, the aforementioned Mr Marsh called from the terraces to run alongside Junior and point out his failings unceasingly. What more could be done – a mobile burger van under the bus shelter to distract Martin Eede? Replace those white boots of Omari Coleman with ballet shoes? There’s no end to the steps that could be taken in the name of fairness!
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