Dulwich Hamlet 3 St Albans City 2

After the disappointments of midweek, Dulwich finished their league with a late fightback, capped by Francis Duku’s first ever goal for the club, which ensured a top ten finish in the Ryman Premier Division. All the more pleasing were that the victims were St Albans City won had inflicted a crushing 4-1 victory over the Hamlet back in November when Dave Garland’s men were within touching distance of the top spot. That game was really the turning point of a season that promised so much as the Hamlet lost 3 of their next four league games and were dumped unceremoniously out of the FA Trophy at lowly Burnham. Ah revenge is sweet particularly when this victory robbed St Albans of third place in the division.
The success of the Reserve side in winning the Suburban League Championship was recognised with more of their number gaining call-ups. On a baking day more suited to sunbathing, Peter Garland was rested with Mark McGibbon continuing in his stead to partner Dean Green. For the opposition there was the welcome sight of that great Dulwich nemesis for too many years, Steve Clark, resting his elderly legs on the bench.
The game got off to a sensational start when, with just three minutes elapsed, the visitors were awarded a penalty after Chris Piper was tripped by Tony Chin in the box. His brother Lenny, a full-time professional with the Saints, stepped up to take the kick, but Dulwich custodian Les Cleevely made a splendid save to block his effort. First to the loose ball was Martin Randall, but once again Captain Cleevely was equal to the shot, getting down to block the follow-up. Ah, so many in the ground bemoaned, three days too late. If only he had managed one or two like this at Dagenham, Dulwich fans might still be chanting ‘Champions of London’.
However, this was to prove merely a brief respite as St Albans grabbed the lead just nine minutes later. Once again poor defending offered the Saints an opening and when the ball swung into the area it found Rob Simpson standing alone in the six-yard box from whence he bundled the ball over the line to give his side the lead.
At this stage, it seemed as if there was little way back for the Hamlet so early in the game. St Albans dominated position for vast tracts of play and constantly threatened to add to their lead but somehow the Hamlet rearguard stood firm against wave upon wave of yellow and blue attacks. It seemed as if Dulwich still suffered a hangover from Wednesday’s defeat and Noel Imber’s goal was rarely threatened. Indeed until stoppage time at the end of the half, all the Hamlet had to show on the attempts sheet was a effort from inside the box by Danny Carroll that caused more worries for anyone taking a shortcut across Greendale than the St Albans keeper.
Suddenly as the game moved into added time at the end of the half, Dulwich sprung into life. Carroll laid the ball outside to Gary Hewitt, haring up the right wing like a man half his age, and the veteran utility player, in his testimonial season, unleashed a fiery shot on the run. Despite a wicked curl on the ball that was taking the ball away from him, Imber managed to throw himself across his goal to turn the ball behind for a corner kick. Two minutes later, deep in added time, came the equaliser. Dulwich won a hotly-disputed freekick on the right side of the box and when Tony Houghton’s freekick swung in there was Carroll rising in the box to flick a textbook header beyond the grasp of Imber and just inside his right-hand post.
The second half began as dramatically as the first had finished. Six minutes in and the Saints had regained the lead with a goal straight from the Route One school. Francis Duku was penalised for climbing in the St Albans box and as Dulwich struggled to get back, Imber launched the ball upfield. Suddenly it resembled the final of the 100-metre sprint as defenders and attackers chased after the ball. Cleevely came out to meet the ball, but abruptly found himself in No Mans Land as Randall won the race for the ball and succinctly lobbed the ball over the stranded keeper and into the unguarded net.
Dulwich came back fighting and might have grabbed a second equaliser within 6 minutes. The ball was swept out to Houghton on the left who picked out Duku in the middle. The centre-half’s measured header was met by the diving head of McGibbon, receiving close attention from a defender, but went inches the wrong side of the post.
The game might have been lost had St Albans converted some of their later chances into goals but somehow Lady Luck seemed to be smiling on the Hamlet. Only fair, I suppose considering what she did from a great height on Wednesday! Cleevely pulled off another fine save to deny Randall, then was involved in the game’s most controversial moments. Attempting a back pass, Tony Chin could only look on in alarm as an evil bounce off the hard surface, threatened to deceive Cleevely. Somehow he managed to turn the ball over the crossbar for a corner. Corner? Even Dulwich fans admitted it should have been an indirect freekick for the back pass, but to their credit, the Saints accepted Mr Horwood’s decision albeit with some bemusement. They almost received retribution with Simpson’s volley from close in, but a Dulwich boot on the line denied them the pleasure.
With quarter of an hour left on the clock came a new set of tactics from manager Dave Garland. Off came McGibbon to be replaced by Dean Palmer. Up front in McGibbon’s stead went Duku, who has been threatening to become a striker for the past few games. Not that it was realised at the time but this was to be an inspired decision.
There seemed little sigh of a breakthrough as the game moved into its final throes and so two final substitutions for the Hamlet. Making his second appearance for the first team was Marcus Dussard, switching with a man, Hewitt, who made his debut for Dulwich when his replacement was still in nappies. Also there was a debut for Michael Ebanks, a lively left back who has progressed through Youth and Reserve ranks to earn his crack at first team football, replacing Tony Houghton. Both slotted in well and bode well for the future.
That first substitution paid dividends with just five minutes to go. The ball made its way across the field to Palmer, in acres of space on the halfway line. Relishing the freedom to run at the defence, he advanced towards the goal, playing a neat one-two with Duku, before shaking off the challenge of Turner to slot the through the narrow gap between Imber and his left-hand post.
Then bang on the ninety minutes, the Hamlet completed a magnificent comeback. A needless foul on Veli Hakki by David Pratt saw the injured party whip in an inviting freekick that Imber managed to knock behind with Mark Garland steaming in. The danger intensified went the corner came in, falling to Dussard behind the defence. The youngster’s inch-perfect cross was met with the most delicate of glancing headers from Duku, leaving Imber rooted to the spot as the ball flashed past him for the winner. The big defender turned striker’s delight was unconfined. If the referee had allowed him a lap of honour, I am sure he would have obliged.
So three points to end the season with, but nowt in the trophy room for the first team. Dave Garland set himself the target of a top ten finish at the start of the season, and that has been achieved. However there is sure to be some dissatisfaction after the magnificent run at the start of the season. The success of the Reserves and the youngsters that have made the step up certainly bodes well for the future on the pitch. Now for a short summer break and it starts again come August.

Team:
Les Cleevely, Gary Hewitt (14: Marcus Dussard 82), Veli Hakki, Danny Carroll, Mark Garland, Francis Duku, John Cross, Tony Houghton (15: Michael Ebanks 82), Dean Green, Mark McGibbon (12: Dean Palmer 76), Tony Chin

Man of the Match: Gary Hewitt: Give that man a drug test. How can he still perform this well at his age? Covered every blade of grass, provided good service and almost grabbed a goal.

Dulwich Hamlet 2 Uxbridge 2 (AET FT 1-1) Uxbridge won 5-4 on penalties

Dulwich Hamlet 2 Uxbridge 2 (AET FT 1-1)

Uxbridge won 5-4 on penalties

London Challenge Cup Final

On the 16th of May last year, Les Cleevely triumphantly held aloft the London Challenge Cup at Charlton’s Valley ground. In altogether different surroundings, the cup was heartbreakingly wrenched from the Hamlet’s grasp in the cruellest of circumstances – a penalty shoot-out. At 10.35 p.m. on a dank evening in the heart of industrial Essex, Sean Dawson’s save from Veli Hakki’s penalty gave Uxbridge the Cup for the third time, leaving Dulwich players to reflect on missed chances and defensive errors that could have rendered penalties, indeed even extra-time, totally unnecessary.
From reasons known only to the bigwigs of the London FA, a team from South London and one from Middlesex were forced to made the long trip down the A13 to Dagenham to contest one of the most prestigious of County Cups. Indeed Uxbridge’s Supporter’s coach only made it to Victoria Road at 7-45; just a couple of minutes before the game eventually kicked off. Dave Garland was able to welcome his son Peter back into the line-up, although one doubts whether wild horses would have stopped him making an appearance even if his leg had been severed in that tackle on this very ground. Indeed Peter was to have a telling influence on the pattern of the game, until obviously tired, he was replaced at the start of extra-time.
From the start Dulwich looked the livelier, although it was the Dulwich goal that was threatened first with Uxbridge striker Lee Tunnell wasted a couple of good chances early on. Indeed, despite Dulwich controlling midfield through Peter Garland, the threat of an Uxbridge goal was not far away and both Kevin Smith and Francis Duku made vital interceptions in the box to deny Jamie Cleary and Dean Clarke respectively.
In the 14th minute Dulwich tested the evening’s eventual hero for the first time, when Danny Carroll met Peter Garland’s lofted ball with a thumping header at the back post, only for Dawson to parry his effort at the base of the post. The ball ran loose to Carroll who tried to square it back across goal, but despite the best efforts of John Cross to knock it in, the defence managed to clear their lines. 4 minutes later and Gary Hewitt tried an audacious lob that landed on the roof of the net before Tony Houghton’s hurried low drive was well off the intended target.
In the 24th minute, the deadlock was broken but not without much protest from Uxbridge. Dean Green burst into the box from the right, battling with Phil Granville on the goalline. The burly defender stumbled as he and Green battled for the ball. As he sprawled on the floor, he handled the ball in a bizarre effort to pretend he was getting his arms out of the way. Referee Alex Valentino, a scourge of the Hamlet in the past, most recently at Gravesend and Northfleet where he showed red cards to Carl Bartley and Peter Garland, had no hesitation in awarding a penalty despite protestations from the Uxbridge players. Cool as a cucumber up stepped Peter Garland to the spot and despatched the penalty wide of Dawson’s outstretched left hand to give the Hamlet the lead.
Despite going close on a number of occasions, most notably when Carroll had the ball whipped away from him by Mark Weedon after Green had pulled the ball back from the corner flag, the Uxbridge goal remained unbreached. Then, in the 32nd minute, Green spurted clear of a leaden-footed rearguard, only to hold the ball up when a full-frontal attack on Dawson’s goal seemed the best option. Instead, he found Peter Garland, who attempted an exquisite chip from distance. It looked goalbound all the way until that man Dawson intervened again tipping the ball over the bar at full stretch. From the corner, Dulwich were caught on the hop and it took a fine piece of defending from Hewitt, outpacing younger limbs to get back and hold up Chris Moore, who fluffed a poor shot wide.
Turning round 1-0 up it seemed as if the Cup was there for the taking and more so as Dulwich started the second half in top gear. Despite an early scare as the defence struggled to clear a freekick, it was the Uxbridge goal that bore the brunt of the initial action. Green’s screamer from the left flashed across the face of Dawson’s goal but whizzed just past the angle. Then a couple of minutes later Dawson was in the thick of the action again pushing over a close range headed from Green that seemed destined for the back of the net.
The importance of that save was underlined in the 64th minute, when a disastrous back pass from Green let in Uxbridge for the equaliser. As fans looked on in horror, Green attempted to find Cleevely with a pass from near the halfway line only to find the grateful Tunnell nipping in behind. Cleevely attempted to beat him to the ball, but the striker had the simple task of rounding the keeper and slipping the ball into the net.
Shocked by this catastrophe, the Hamlet hit back at the Uxbridge goal straight away, but Dawson seemed impregnable pushing out Carroll’s shot across the face of goal. The ball was not cleared and Green seemed to be fouled as a mess of legs tackled for the ball, but this time Mr Valentino resembled his namesake and remained silent. Likewise moments later when Tunnell went down in the box, amid pleas from his teammates.
The goal had given the men from Middlesex renewed confidence and they began causing the Hamlet defence myriad problems. Despite Duku being a hairsbreadth away from meeting a corner, won by Dean Palmer who had replaced Hewitt minutes before the equaliser, the bulk of the action switched to the opposite end. Smith incurred the wrath of the referee and a yellow card for a reckless late challenge on Moore as the pressure and the tension grew. Cleevely looked comfortable making a save from Clark’s close range header, but within a minute substitute Nicky Ryder had broken through to drill a shot wide of the keeper left hand post.
Chances were coming thick and fast as the advantage swung to Uxbridge, and after his opposite number’s earlier heroics now it was the turn of Cleevely to earn his corn, smother the ball at the feet of Clark after Tunnell had slipped the ball through to him. Five minutes later and he denied Moore, turning his low shot around the post. As the game moved into stoppage time Dulwich were forced into ever more desperate measures to clear their lines. Two stunning diving headers from Palmer aided the resistance and somehow the Dulwich goal weathered an interminable 5 minutes of stoppage time that seemed to last an eternity.
So, twelve months on, Dulwich and Uxbridge would be forced onto the field for a further half-an-hour’s football to determine who would be the last to lift the London Challenge Cup. Mark McGibbon was brought on to replace Peter Garland, looking suitably tired after 90 minutes of 110% effort.
Both sides created opportunities in the opening exchanges of extra-time, but it was Dulwich who regained the lead in the 99th minute through Tony Chin’s fourth goal of the season. A corner was only half cleared to Smith and when he despatched a teasing cross into the box, it ran loose straight as defenders and attackers battled for the ball. Chin picked it up just inside the box, slamming the ball in the back of the net off the outside of his boot. For once Dawson could only look in dismay as the ball curled past his powerless hand.
As the teams turned round 6 minutes later, Dulwich knew that to hold on for a further 15 minutes would cement their place in history. Sadly, it was not to be. Moments into the second half of extra-time, the passion boiled over after an atrocious foul on Chin by Stuart Bamford. The game threatened to degenerate into an unseemly brawl before wiser and cooler heads, among them Dulwich captain Cleevely, brokered a nervous peace. Then four minutes in the half Uxbridge found themselves level once again courtesy of another ghastly error in defence. Duku, attempting to dribble the ball out of his own penalty area when a swift hoof into Row Z would have sufficed, was caught in possession by Ryder. Despite appeals that the Dulwich defender had been the victim of an illegal assault, the substitute pulled the ball back to the unmarked Gavin Bamford who rammed the ball past Cleevely from ten yards out.
Once again Uxbridge raised their game after this gift and, as the ball pinged from one end of the field to the other, Uxbridge supporters finally found a voice to try and compete with the Rabble who had been vociferous throughout. Living on a knife-edge, the action swung from end to end. Clark struck a post from 20 yards, with Simon Poulter sticking his follow-up into the side netting. Next minute it was the Hamlet on the attack and Green feeding Palmer, steaming up the right, only for him to put the ball wide of the post with only Dawson to beat.
Disaster struck with just 4 minutes left on the clock when Carroll was forced to leave the field of play, limping badly, to be replaced by Hakki. Tony Houghton’s piledriver that Dawson grabbed at the second attempt was Dulwich’s last serious effort as the final seconds became one-way traffic, with Cleevely’s goal leading a charmed life. Twice the lines were cleared at the last gasp, then in stoppage Cleevely denied Clark with a stunning save, turning his ferocious shot onto the post.
So it was that the last ever London Challenge Cup would be decided by that cruellest of footballing mistresses – the penalty shoot-out. Two hours of football and the destiny of the trophy would be decided by the ability of tired legs to summon up enough strength to beat a goalkeeper from 12 yards. Cleevely was a whisker away from getting his hand on Clark’s first kick, but it was 0-1. Next up Smith for Dulwich. Then disaster! As he went to kick the ball, his legs disappeared from under him and the ball sailed over the bar. Next three Uxbridge penalties. Goal – Kevin Cleary. Goal – Nicky Ryder. Goal – Chris Moore. Next three Dulwich penalties. Goal – Dean Green. Goal – Tony Houghton. Goal – John Cross. So the score stood at 4-3 to Uxbridge. The fate of the cup rested with Mark Weedon, but he rattled the ball against the post. Dulwich were still there. Mark Garland had to score to send the contest into sudden death. To the immense relief of Dulwich supporters he rolled the ball into the left-hand corner of the goal and things were level. Now for sudden death. Taking the mantle of responsibility himself, Uxbridge’s captain Mark Gill strode purposefully to the spot, smashing the ball into the back of the net. Cleevely was close to saving it but the power of the shot beat him. For a moment, Dulwich seemed unsure as to would be taking their sixth penalty then the diminutive figure of Hakki stepped forward. All voices hushed as he took the kick, then a mixture of groans and cheers shattered the silence. Groans from Dulwich, cheers from Uxbridge for their hero of the hour keeper Dawson who had won them the cup with a simple save from a nervous kick.
A funereal atmosphere descended on the Dulwich camp, as their realisation sank in the first team’s season would be without a silver lining. Dave Garland and Micky Read wandered amongst their players tried to console them but deep down they knew that in truth this Cup had not been won by Uxbridge but lost, nay thrown away, by Dulwich.

Team:
Les Cleevely, Gary Hewitt (12: Dean Palmer 61), Kevin Smith, Danny Carroll (14: Veli Hakki 116), Mark Garland, Francis Duku, John Cross, Tony Houghton, Dean Green, Peter Garland (15: Mark McGibbon 91), Tony Chin,

Man of the Match: Peter Garland: Ran the show in midfield and his departure before extra-time was the turning point.

Hamlet History : 1938/39 London Senior Cup.

It is well known that Dulwich were one of the teams to emerge well from World War One. Wartime games gave the club a chance to blood some of the up and coming youngsters, including one Edgar Kail. We reaped the benefit of this in 1919/1920. Sadly the club were not so lucky in World War Two. Dulwich had assembled a fine team prior to the war, many of whom lost their peak footballing years to the conflict. Whilst we were not badly hit in terms of the number of casualties, compared to World War One, two of the four deceased were the key players in the Hamlet team prior to the war. Somehow Dulwich were never to be quite as effective post war as they were prior to it. Sadly the 1938/39 season hinted that the team had much to offer in happier circumstances.

We appear to have begun the London Senior Cup campaign in the Second Round when Barking visited Champion Hill in January. Included in their team should have been an ex Hamlet legend, Bill Caesar. As it was Joe Lee was drafted in at the last moment to replace him. Lee was to hit the headlines in this match. He was carried off in the first half but returned five minutes later. Initially he hobbled along the left wing but soon moved back into his old inside berth. At the end of the match he collapsed in the changing room and, on examination, was found to have played for sixty minutes with a broken leg.
The match itself was a drab affair. Barking regularly caught the Hamlet offside, whilst Champion Hill was a quagmire, making constructive football rather difficult. The only goal came on 25 minutes. Reg Anderson, a highly talented winger, released Beglan with the Barking defence standing still, looking for another offside decision. This time Beglan had timed his run to perfection and as Wilson, “Barking’s midget ‘keeper, rushed out he slipped the ball into the net”. There was little action at the Hamlet end and Dulwich were good value for their win.

Later that month Dulwich had to travel to Wealdstone in the Quarter Final. A crowd of 4 – 5000 enjoyed a thrilling match that seemed destined for extra time when Barker lobbed the ball past his own ‘keeper in the 82nd minute to give Dulwich a 2-1 victory.

The Hamlet had got off to a fine start when Lewis was unable to save a shot from Goodliffe after four minutes. The rebound fell to Ball who slotted his shot home. Within five minutes Wealdstone were level, Wilson scoring after a corner. From then on in it was a fairly even game, with neither side looking likely to score until the own goal. The last eight minutes saw the Dulwich net besieged however Wealdstone were unable to score. Dulwich were perhaps a bit lucky that the referee turned down a penalty appeal in the last minute.

February saw the semi final, Dulwich enjoying home pitch advantage over Enfield. The 4-1 scoreline looks quite comprehensive, in reality it was a much tighter game. The Enfield ‘keeper, F.J. Bennett, was unavailable. His replacement, F. Groom, dropped out, third choice L. Sterling was drafted in. His errors were responsible for three of the Hamlet goals. In the fifth minute he caught a simple shot from Beglan, only to drop it over the line. Minutes later Parr was to benefit from his very late dive, allowing him to make it 2-0. Twelve minutes into the second half a Goodliffe shot wormed its way under Groom’s dive. Parr then cut in to shoot home the fourth goal before Snazel scored a consolation effort for the Athenian league team.

The final was held at Millwall and attracted a crowd of 18 000. Dulwich were pitted against Erith and Belvedere. Again the Hamlet enjoyed a good start. After just three minutes Anderson passed through to Bill Parr, the winger slammed a cross over. Right back Bennett ran in and crashed a shot past his own goalkeeper to give Hamlet an early lead. Erith never really recovered. Powell, Weymouth and Robbins blocked their rare attacks whilst the attack were too lively for the Erith defence, who were reduced to playing the offside trap.

Dulwich could even afford the luxury of a missed penalty, Cecil Murray shooting wide after Parr had his legs taken away as he bore down on goal. Eight minutes before the interval Henry Ball broke down the offside trap and “strolled through the middle to put a snorting ground shot inches inside the post.”. Goalkeeper Barron was in fine form and denied Dulwich many more goals. He often frustrated Anderson and Ball, in particular. In the 85th minute he was finally beaten again. Ball appeared to have run the ball out of play before crossing the ball to Anderson who shot home to complete a 3-0 victory.

Anderson and Parr had run riot down their flank, Erith were totally unable to contain them. Sadly both were to lose their lives in World War Two. They had the makings of a fine partnership. Parr had only recently joined the club from Blackpool, his work brought him to London. Reg Anderson had remained with the club despite his job moving to Cardiff halfway through the season. He guested in one game for Cardiff City, and was man of the match, but decided to stay with the Hamlet. He wasn’t the only player in the team to travel long distances to play for Dulwich. Goalkeeper H.H.C. Hill travelled in from Weymouth. Incidentally on signing for the club in December 1936 Hill became the first player we had ever signed from another Isthmian League team. Even this was a technicality. He was a northerner and had played for the likes of Yorkshire Amateurs and Sheffield Wednesday before moving south and joining Dulwich. Prior to his move south he had played one game for the Casuals, as emergency cover, hence we had to obtain his registration from them.

What seems clear is that the Dulwich team of 1938/39 was a fine team, with its best days yet to come. It is a shame that we will never know exactly what the side would have been capable of had the war not intervened.

Dulwich Hamlet team for the final:-
H.H.C. Hill; D.S. Weymouth; H.S. Robbins; C. Murray; C.V. Powell; A.J. Hugo; W.W. Parr; R.S. Anderson; H.J. Ball; S. Lewis; B.D. Beglan.

Women's Bumper Stickers

1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.

2. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.

3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.

4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.

5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.

6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.

7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN

8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.

9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.

10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I HAVE A GUN.

11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE...WHO CARES?

12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES

13. AND YOUR POINT IS?

14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.

15. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.

17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.

18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.

19. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.

20. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?

21. SORRY IF I LOOKED INTERESTED. I'M NOT.

22. IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I'M FAST, CHEAP AND EASY.

23. DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

Women are like football pitches.......

1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of the play.
2. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald.
3. Remember it is possible to score at both ends.
4. Tackling from behind is not always an offence - check with ground owner.
5. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of Premiership standard but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground.
6. Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities.
7. Don't ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also never mention pitches previously visited.
8. Extra time is dependent on subsequent pitch bookings.
9. If the ground does not seem to have under-soil heating suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact coroner.
10. When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back.
11. Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles.
12. Always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel. Conversely, DO NOT expect to be allowed to come straight from the tunnel to the goal mouth and score. That can leave an awful taste in the mouth of the pitch owner and may prevent further use of the ground.
13. Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies.
14. It is illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches.
15. From time-to-time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent goalie.
16. Russian grounds are frequently more grassy.
17. French grounds are frequently very nice to look at,however there can sometimes be an awful smell from the terraces which don't get hosed down as often as they should.
18. Very few grounds are found with executive boxes.
19. Be wary of grounds with room for coaches.
20. Always be on the look out for grounds that host ladies football two evenings a week.
21. Pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up to 5 days a month, although this can be longer if you piss the owner off by continually asking to play up the good end instead.
22. Players will have to agree personal terms with the club, before being allowed to play on the turf.
23. Always look for a ground that has never been played on before (or at least hasn't had many visits). That said, well used grounds may have better facilities and will really know how to get the best out of a player.!!!!

There's some classic lines here, so enjoy and thank god that you're not American!

"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
....George W. Bush, Jr.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
....George W. Bush, Jr.

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seenpictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there iswater, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 8/11/94

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/15/95

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 5/22/98

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 12/6/93

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 11/30/96

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

"The future will be better tomorrow."
....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/21/97

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
....Governor George W. Bush, Jr. to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

"Public speaking is very easy."
....Governor George W. Bush, Jr. to reporters in 10/9

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican"
....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
....Governor George W. Bush, Jr

"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.
....George W. Bush, Jr.

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 5/20/96

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/22/97

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/5/93

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/18/95

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."
....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

POSH and Becks are sitting in front of the television watching the six o'clock news.

The main story is a man threatening to jump off the Clifton Suspension Bridge on to the busy road below.

Posh turns to Becks and says: "David, I bet you 5,000 that he jumps!" to which Beckham replies "5,000? Done! I bet that he doesn't."

So they shake hands on the bet and continue watching. Sure enough, the man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud. Beckham takes £5,000 out of his back pocket and hands it to Posh. But she refuses.
"I can't take your money, David," she says. "The truth is, I was cheating. I saw the five o'clock news, so I knew he was going to jump."

"No, babe," says David. "That money is yours fair and square. I was cheating just as you were. I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think he would do it again."

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THE Manchester United players are in the dressing room on Saturday, just before the game, when Roy Keane walks in.
"Boss," he says, "there's a problem. I'm not playing unless I get a cortisone injection."
"Hey," says Becks. "If he's having a new car, so am I."

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DAVID Beckham goes shopping, and sees something interesting in the kitchen department of a large department store.
"What's that?" he asks.
"A Thermos flask," replies the assistant.
"What does it do?" asks Becks.
The assistant tells him it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.
Really impressed, Beckham buys one and takes it along to his next training session.
"Here, boys, look at this," Beckham says proudly.
"It's a Thermos flask.” The lads are impressed.
"What does it do?" they ask. "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," says David.
"And what have you got in it?" asks Roy Keane.
"Two cups of coffee and a choc ice," replies David.

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POSH takes her car into a garage to have some dents removed. The mechanic, knowing she isn't the brightest Spice Girl in the world, decides to play a joke on her.
"You don't need me to take those dents out," he says. "Just blow up the exhaust pipe and the metal will pop back into place."
So she takes the car home and tries it. David spots her from the house, opens a window and shouts: "You daft girl! You have to wind the windows up first!"

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DAVID Beckham is celebrating: "57 days, 57 days!" he shouts happily. Posh asks him why he is celebrating. He answers: "Well, I've done this jigsaw in only 57 days."
Is that good?" asks Posh.
"You bet," says David. "It says 3 to 5 years on the box."

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DAVID Beckham had a near-death experience the other day when he went riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bucking up and down out of control. He tried with all his might to hang on but it was no good. With his foot caught in the stirrup, he fell headfirst to the ground. His head continued to bump on the ground as the horse refused to stop or even slow down. Fortunately, however, there was a happy ending. Just as he was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Woolworth’s' manager came along and unplugged it.

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POSH and Becks are travelling back from Heathrow Airport to Central London.
"Where have you been?" asks the cabby.
"New York," says Beckham.
"We saw a show and did some shopping.” "Did you have any nice meals?" asks the cabby.
"Yes, one really great one."
"What was the name of the restaurant?" asks the cabby.
"Dunno. I can't remember. Name some big railway stations in London," says Beckham.
The cabby begins: "Waterloo, Paddington, Victoria..”
Beckham interrupts excitedly: "That's it! Victoria, what was the name of that restaurant we went to?"

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Then, there are these:
Q: What do you do if David Beckham throws a pin at you?
A: Run for your life ... he's got a grenade in his mouth.

Q: What would David Beckham's name be if he were a Spice Girl?
A: Waste of Spice.

Q: What would England achieve with 11 David Beckhams?
A: An average IQ.

DULWICH HAMLET SUPPORTERS' CLUB - Information Newsletter

Welcome to all Hamlet fans this afternoon.

I am sure that most of you will have been aware that last Wednesday the Dulwich Hamlet Supporters' Club had a 're-launch' Annual General Meeting in the boardroom here at Champion Hill. There were 21 people in attendance, which is almost a third of the current membership, which was an excellent turn out considering England were playing Italy live on Sky TV at the same time! A new working committee was elected that night & the positions decided on were as follows:

Chairman: Ade Dimmick.
Vice-Chairman: Larry Marsh.
Treasurer: Bill Azzi.
Secretary: Paul Griffin.
Fundraising Officer: Mishi Morath.
Supporters' Football Team Rep: Steve Rickerby.
Press & Publicity Officer: Andy Tucker.

It has been decided to hold regular monthly Supporters' Club committee meeting to decide which direction the Club takes. However, we are only as strong as you the membership are. If you have not already signed up, there is a form attached to join. Please return it with your membership fee to any of the committee listed above. Note that the membership lasts right up until 31st January 2003. The first committee meeting will be held on Thursday 11th April 2002, commencing at 7.45 p.m. in the boardroom. All members are welcome to attend & contribute. Turning up at a single meeting does not obligate you to attend every single one of them. We welcome any ideas you may have. Please pass them on to any committee member.
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PROPOSED SUPPORTERS’ TRUST
The AGM was addressed by Lee Shailer of the Supporters Direct organisation, to explain how setting up a Supporters' Trust, run totally independent from DHSC, would benefit Dulwich Hamlet. Without going into detail of what a trust actually is we will be holding a meeting just after the end of the season to try and establish one here at Champion Hill. A separate leaflet will be issued about this in a few weeks time. In the meantime ask someone like Adie Dimmock or Andy Tucker for more info.
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COACH TO OXFORD CITY
The last league away game of the season will be on Saturday 27th April at Oxford City. The Supporters' Club will be running a coach to the fixture, leaving Champion Hill at 10.00 am sharp to give you about three hours to wonder about the lovely town centre. It will leave after the game at 5.15 p.m. Be aware that the actual ground is between 3 & 4 miles from the train station. To book your seat, see Bill Azzi. The fares will be £5 for adults & £3 for juniors & senior citizens. THIS FARE IS FOR PAID UP SUPPORTERS' CLUB MEMBERS ONLY. The charge for non-members will be £10 for adults & £5 for senior citizens & juniors. THIS WILL BE FULLY ENFORCED.
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SUPPORTERS’ PLAYER OF YEAR 2002
In the next few weeks voting forms will be handed out for the annual Supporters' Club Dulwich Hamlet First Team Player of the Year award. It has been decided THAT ONLY PAID UP MEMBERS will be eligible to vote. Yet another incentive to sign up!
We shall be holding a Player of the Year disco on Saturday 4th May here at the ground. Admission will be £2 per person, including players & staff as agreed by Martin Eede, & this will cover the disco, buffet & presentations. Book the date in your diary now!
Prior to the Disco The Supporters' Club football team will be taking on a Club & Staff XI on the main pitch with a 4.30 p.m. kick off! Yes it is all a bit of fun & yes you can play. All ages and abilities welcome. Contact Mishi Morath or Steve Rickerby if you are interested.
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SUMMER SUPPORTERS’ TOURNAMENTS
Summer may mean a break from the rigours of the Ryman League but for the Supporters’ Team there is no respite. In addition to the above game, Dulwich Hamlet Supporters’ Team will be entering a number of tournaments during the summer. First up is the Hitchin Tournament in which Dulwich teams have been particularly successful in the past. This takes place on Monday 6th May (Bank Holiday Monday). Then on Saturday June 29th, Dulwich again enter the Wivenhoe Tournament of which we were inaugural Champions. Contact Steve Rickerby if you would like to take part. In addition, Dulwich Supporters enter teams in the Sevens, which take place on the Astroturf behind the far goal, competing on Mondays (Division 3) and Wednesdays (Division 1). New players are always welcome. For Mondays see Steve Rickerby and Wednesdays Larry Marsh.
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IT’S NOT SO GRIM OOP NORTH
Finally, keep the weekend of 3rd & 4th of August free! It looks likely that the First Team will have a pre season game away to North Ferriby United on the Saturday & another northern team the following day on a mini pre season tour. Details have yet to be finalised at this early stage. The Supporters' Club have provisionally managed to secure twenty seats on the players' coach for a nominal £20 per head (Sorry no reductions for juniors or OAP's). Accommodation will obviously be extra; we have no details of the costings for that part until the trip is actually confirmed. We will keep you informed. We would state early on that we expect those twenty seats to be snapped up fairly quickly, so this offer is completely restricted to paid up members of Dulwich Hamlet Supporters' Club. Thank you for taking the time to read this newsletter.
Published by the new DULWICH HAMLET SUPPORTERS' CLUB COMMITTEE.

HUSSEIN HEGAZI AND MILLWALL FC

Hussein Hegazi was something of a sensation in South London throughout the 1911-12 season. Brilliant at centre forward or inside right, Hegazi made national headline news when he left amateurs Dulwich Hamlet for professionals Fulham only to return after one game in black and white.
The following season, 1912-13, Hussein Hegazi signed amateur forms for Southern League 2nd Division outfit Millwall Athletic and played two games for them. The first - away to Croydon Common on Wednesday 11th September 1912 - saw Millwall lose 3-1. This match actually preceded Dulwich Hamlet’s opening fixture by a few days. Hegazi did not play in the Hamlet game on the 14th. His first appearance that season was in the ‘opening of the new Champion Hill ground’ on 21st September 1912.
On Thursday 3rd October Hegazi made his second and final appearance for Millwall in a Southern League Alliance game. Although it was so early in the season apparently the south Londoners had to play five matches in five days, and for the home game versus Cardiff City, they fielded only one regular player among the eleven - the goalkeeper, Spendiff. The average Lions fan coming through the turnstile at the Den must have felt cheated at the large number of reserves on display, and who was this strange foreigner at centre forward?
The London newspapers, championing the grievance of the home supporters, condemned Millwall’s action, and despite Cardiff’s 3-2 victory, the South Wales Echo echoed with, “Millwall flagrantly broke the Alliance rule which says that the club shall play at least seven of the players that took part in the previous Southern League match.” Whether this small storm of protest upset Hegazi we do not know, but every time he tried his luck with the professionals he seemed to court controversy. It wasn’t his fault; he just wanted to enjoy his football. He didn’t play for Millwall again - in fact, apart from County and representative games, he stuck it out with Dulwich Hamlet.
Fortune had it that Hussein Hegazi’s tenuous link with Millwall saw him find a place in the team photograph of that year. Hegazi can be seen in the back row wearing a cap and overcoat.
For the record the Millwall team v Cardiff City were: Spendiff, Jamieson, Woodley, Frost, Hawkins, Butterworth, Dilly, Quinn, Hegazi, Taylor, Grimbridge.
Goals: Quinn 2
Hussein Hegazi was born into the family of a wealthy rural aristocrat in Kremlah in the Sharkeya Province of Egypt in 1891. His father spoilt the youngster, who was given virtually everything he asked for. His leather football was probably acquired from one of the British soldiers stationed in Egypt in the mid 1890s. Hussein was rarely seen without his ball, and quickly developed skills and confidence.
Accuracy in shooting, chipping and passing the ball was developed in a very unusual, let alone costly way. As the peasant women walked through the village the young Hegazi would aim his shots at the large valuable jars they carried on their heads. The peasant women were used to the routine: the ball would fly over, the jar would come crashing to the ground, and the woman would go to Mrs Hegazi for apologies and compensation.
His athletic prowess was not just confined to football. A frequent sight in the village was Hussein Hegazi sprinting towards a water buffalo, owned by the villagers, and leaping over the creatures. This improved his high jump skills no end. Athletics, particularly track events, also appealed to the youngster, and during his early teens his lightning pace helped him win many schoolboy events. Football pitches are not the same the world over. The beautiful game has always been played on grass, clay, sand, tarmac, and in England during long spells of bad weather on a bog. Hussein Hegazi, like most of us, favoured the truer surfaces. He also liked to feel the ball, and rather than the awkward boots of the Englishman, he preferred to play in soft shoes. I get the impression they were, what we would describe as ‘desert boots’, suede uppers with a crepe sole. Maybe he had them specially made like Stanley Matthews who employed the finest Italian cobblers with the finest Italian leather. The reports we have suggest he found it difficult to keep his footing in wet conditions, suggesting these soft shoes were without studs. However, one photograph clearly shows Hegazi wearing studded boots. Hegazi made his name at Dulwich Hamlet in the three seasons prior to the First World War. He was a member of the Dulwich team that beat Ajax in Amsterdam in 1913, and he also assisted London and won a Cambridge ‘blue’. If Hussein Hegazi had stayed in England for the duration of the war he would have qualified for a place in the great Corinthian side of the 1920s. Instead he headed home before the hostilities began
On his return to Egypt in 1914 he rejoined his old club Ahly, (recently voted Africa’s team of the twentieth century) where he went on to became one of the most popular players of his day. He won a number of caps for the Egyptian national team, and was involved in three Olympic Games competitions in the 1920s.

Courtesy of Jack McInroy and the Hamlet Historian

Oh I Do Like To Be Beside The Seaside

As it was Christmas, I felt obliged to visit the aged relatives in deepest Cornwall (just to ensure that the mention in the will is maintained). Unfortunately this meant that I missed a marvellous win over Kingstonian and Deano’s stunning goal, or so his old man tells me. On the positive side this meant that I was able to take in the delights of Newquay FC in a howling gale. ‘What’s this got do with me?’, the average Dulwich supporter may ask. Well, the game in question was Cornwall versus London Counties in the 3rd Round of the FA County Youth Challenge Cup and in the London side were SIX representatives from Dulwich’s youngsters, included Damien Stewart and Tyrone Myton.
As I strolled into the bar, there were one or two surprised exclamations from the Dulwich parents, but once I had explained that both the league game against Bromley and the Reserves were off, I’m sure they understood. This was a hop that had been denied to some of our older followers thanks to a 2-0 win over Newquay in the 1973/74 FA Amateur Cup. To be honest though I don’t think anyone in their right mind would want to come here. The ground, Mount Wise, is one of the better Cornish grounds boasting floodlights, a covered seating as well as some cover in one corner for those who wish to brave the elements. It sits atop a hill just above the harbour and is exposed to the worse the Atlantic can throw at it. On this particular day the weather was at its worse and the London players certainly seemed shocked at having to play in such conditions. Across the whole of Cornwall not a single game of senior football took place. However, FA officials had obviously decided that the youngsters were made of tougher stuff that their elders. Wind and rain lashed the pitch and the sky frequently darkened as clouds scuttled in from the sea. But never once did it cross officials' minds to call the game off. London’s use of alternative therapy on the bench was to prove of little use too. The trainer, a certain Charlie Millard, was listed as providing FIST AID. Obviously something John Langford is encouraging at Sandy Lame.
The game itself was not a bad exhibition for youth football, given the conditions. When the gales subsided there was actually some good football played, although regular opportunities for this were few and far between. The difference between the two teams was due in the main part to the level of football played. Whereas the majority of the London boys still played youth football against their peers, the Cornish were, and had been for some time, playing against older, wilier and stronger players. If only Ryan and Browne had been here a few months earlier they might have learnt a lesson from it. That is that a young player can learn so much from regular competition with older players. Thank God, that Dave ‘Two Pubs’ Garland is a little less ageist and is prepared to give youngsters like Damien & Tyrone a chance to prove themselves.
By the way if you’re interested in the result, which by the end of ninety minutes I wasn’t, the idea of a few more pints in the clubhouse being much more welcoming, Cornwall managed to sneak it One-Nil. The goal that decided it was, fortunately a good one, the Cornwall full-back curling in a free-kick from just outside the box. If had not been for the large Pink’n’Blue contingent in the side, I might have felt pleased at the result, but you known where your loyalties lie when you feel gutted at the end.

‘The Cornish Exile’

YOU KNOW IT MAKES SENSE, I THINK?

You can guarantee that come the time of the World Cup, there will hundreds of whinging articles in the papers and letters to Anne ‘Bleedin’ Obvious’ Robinson, moaning about how everybody’s been deprived of the latest crap to pour out of Albert Street, Coronation Square or whatever drivel those braindead idiots watch. Well, they know exactly where they can stick their boring tripe. On the subject of wastes of good Telly time, I staggered back from the Sutton reserve match on Sunday on find that most pointless of sports hogging the schedules - bleedin’ motor racing. The most stupid waste of time, that is. Lots of cars drive round and round in a circle for two hours and then finish up in the same order as they started. It's just like watching the traffic going round the Elephant and Castle roundabout all afternoon and there’s more chance of seeing a decent pile-up or a flattened pedestrian or cyclist. Perhaps the pubs ought to put benches outside and charge admission to watch or maybe Le Grand Prix de Southwark, only the cars have to negotiate pensioners trying to get across at the lights. B******s to crap on the telly, let’s have football and lots of it, except when the Hamlet are playing, can’t miss that.

Albert Catstrangler (The Voice of Reason)

Ten handy hints to get rid of your club chairman

1. Identify the exact nature of the problem. Find qualified accountants and solicitors from your fans who will happily transcribe accounts and legal jargon into understandable language.
2. Unite the wide range of supporters into a broad alliance with a broad leadership. The talents of the most vociferous supporters and the usually silent seated season-ticket-holder are equally valuable.
3. Debate the developing situation openly at public meetings (as well as in smaller supporters' groups in pubs and on the phone). Try and keep the inevitable rumours to a minimum and learn to spot false information.
4. Communicate your concerns clearly to the press, media, politicians and the FA. Make friends with journalists.
5. Allow imaginative ideas for protests to develop from all sections of the support. Violence against people is bad - and bad for your cause! It is a fact that 'illegal' forms of protesting often gain the most publicity, but if you are involved with illegal action, don't get caught!
6. Use every conceivable means of communication including the Internet, pen and paper, posters, petitions, leaflets, slogans, radio, TV, chanting, photographs, poetry, songs - and books!
7. Enlist the solidarity of other fans, especially fans who have had/are having problems with their chairmen or board. Phone a Seagulls fan!
8. Be prepared to make large personal sacrifices and be prepared for your relationships to suffer. (We never said it was going to be easy!)
9. Never take the word of your enemy for granted - it's not true until the document is signed.
10. Never give up. Be brave. Whatever form of action you take you may well feel stupid and intimidated; but it's better to do than to sit and worry. Remember the spontaneous chant from supporters of a hundred different clubs standing in Brighton's North Stand on Fans United Day: 'Football! United! Will never be defeated!

From: Build a Bonfire: How Football Fans United to Save Brighton and Hove Albion (Available from Amazon)

Pity the great old game in a world of New Fan, fat cats and pseuds

Football used to be just football - a simple, skilful and tribal game played in an organised yet riotous fashion. It was played by and for working [class] men and, in the days of distinct gender roles, offered an opportunity for men to get away from the missus, have a few jars with their mates and shout away the week's tensions to their heart's content. Wives and girlfriends accepted this, often with a sigh of relief, and got on with the ritual of housework or Saturday shopping. Call it unevolved, blokes getting away with murder (as per), but that's how it was.
How it is, is somewhat different. Now you can take your pick of poetic sobriquets which have usurped old football. 'The people's game’, ‘The beautiful game' (coined in the Seventies by King Pele), 'The game of two halves' and the now unflinchingly ubiquitous 'Footie'. So though you can't teach an old dog new tricks, nor your grandmother the offside rule, as has been demonstrated in the last decade, it is possible to change not only the image but the substance of a game played by 22 men on a patch of grass.
In case you hadn't noticed, football has become social and political currency whose hyper-inflated value has not escaped the eyes and pockets of investors, politicians and - perhaps most significant of all - advertising executives.
Put a football on it, in it or behind it and 'it', be it a car, hamburger, shaver, condom, will sell. Or so the thinking goes. Building on the rave atmosphere of Euro 96, marketing strategists have created a party animal cranked up on coke.
In Fanatics! Power, Identity and Fandom in Football, a new collection of learned essays published by Routledge, £14.99 - itself a testament to the gentrification and inherent intellectualisation of the game - Simon Lee has written an entire chapter on the political economy of English football in the 1990s'. Dense, yes but also highly readable, and it forms one of the book's many strong arguments against the much-advertised and hugely popular idea of football being a game of 'the people'. Depends which people you mean.
Among other musings, Lee ponders the fact that: 'From the fans' perspective ... being an English football supporter in the 1990s has become an increasingly expensive, passive and individualistic experience.' In other words, if ticket prices don't get you, Sky subscriptions will. Further, Lee writes, 'the commercialisation of English football has not created but has merely served to accentuate and legitimise the inequalities that now exist between the richer Premier League clubs and the rest.'
Or to, put it another way, as Will Hutton did in The State We're In, English football now mirrors those symptoms of inequality and greed which seem to be characteristic of society in general. So it has come to pass that a hefty proportion of World Cups tickets which, by the way, the general public doesn't have a prayer of getting, have been shunted discreetly into corporate hospitality allocations.
That distinction reflects the recent divide that has appeared between the old/ real and new fan. New Fan, like New Man, New Lad and - save us from him Soft Lad (the dweeb with ironically bad spectacles formerly known as Prat), is a post-Hillsborough construct. With his season ticket, retro team shirt and faux Cockney accent nicely in hand, he has bought into the revamped football culture dished up to anyone with the appetite. New Fan can be seen on television in celebrity garms, spouting second-hand opinions, or in pubs deconstructing tactics in a totally fabulous way, or in table-footie bars in a regressed, cappuccino’d-up state.
But in true post-modern style, there has been a backlash against the new pseuds. Adhering to the relentlessly strict rules of the concept of cool, football's equivalent of jazz heads go out of their way - understated of course - to justify their membership of the 'real' supporters' club. To that end no microscopic historical detail is too small to add to their mental scrapbooks. Nick Hornby told their story and even if he didn't, there were enough similarities to hang their allegiance on.
'But Ben Carrington, a contributor to Fanatics!, makes an interesting point in his essay 'Football's coming home. But whose home? And do we want it?'-'New Laddism is ... about trying to redefine the limits of white English masculinity even though it is rarely labelled as such...' Yet those limits by definition exclude everyone else, As France 98 looms closer, lads, and fans new and old, WW gather for a nationalistic party. But the picture of the nation at football, not war, will be marred by a distinct lack of colour.
In less than a decade, according to Simon Lee, more than £400 million has been kicked into football's overhaul, doing up the decor to show off the silverware. Yet only three months ago - on Bloody Saturday, March 28 as reported by Kevin Mitchell in this newspaper - a football fan was murdered in a mass brawl and three fans tried to assault a referee during a Premiership fixture.
'Perhaps the age of cynicism left us with wounds that will take more than political platitudes to heal,' wrote Mitchell. Sadly, he's right. In the face of ugly truths, Blair's government felt compelled to set up the Football Task Force to monitor among other worrying aspects, the insistence of racists spoiling the view. A report published this year, Ethnicity and Victimisation, found what anyone with eyes and a television can see that black people are more than three times likely as whites to avoid going to football matches because of the very real fear of violence.
All this at a time when black representation on the pitch is higher than it has ever been and football has been embraced as the people's game.
New deal, new fan, but old, unreconstructed terms. Whaddaya get? Pure Fantasy.