Charlie Croker (The Daily Telegraph) reveals the highlights from his second compendium of baffling broken English encountered abroad.
That this sort of thing marks a bond between travellers was clear from the start. Shortly after encountering a Japanese car hire leaflet (“When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn”), I found myself on a ferry to La Gomera in the Canaries, reading: “Keep this ticket up the end of your trip”.
Was there a book in this? Friends’ responses suggested there might well be. One recalled – from more than a decade before – the sign in front of construction works at a Bolivian airport: “Sorry for the bother.”
Another remembered a sign on a broken turnstile at Salzburg passport control: “Out of work.”
What soon became evident was the affection in which these verbal quirks are held. Bright points on an otherwise stressful journey, they have a charm that lingers in the memory. Who cares that the stewardess won’t smile when the brochure promises: “Wide boiled aircraft for your comfort”?
Why worry that the hotel room is tiny – just enjoy the sign that says: “All rooms not denounced by twelve o’clock will be paid for twicely.”
Hard to get too upset by a delayed train whose toilet warns: “Do not be occupying while stabilizing.”
The book, Lost In Translation, featured in the Daily Telegraph last year and sent our message boards crazy. Readers reported hotels in Krakow (“Evacuate yourself with the staircase”), cable cars in China (“Smoking, hubbub, spit are forbidden”), tavernas in Kos (“Kiss Lorraine” and “Chessburger”).
Then the book’s own website (http://www.lostintranslationbook.com/) went live, ensuring the arrival of more long-cherished gems, often with photographic attachments as proof.
Menus are a constant favourite, with restaurants, eager for business, working hard – too hard – on their descriptions: “Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.”
And so a sequel seemed only right and proper. Remembering – as we must – that the rest of the world is far better at English than we are at Dutch or Thai or Mandarin, it nevertheless seems hard not to laugh when your hotel in Greece promises: “Tonight dinner will be served in the swimming pool.” Below are some more highlights.
Was there a book in this? Friends’ responses suggested there might well be. One recalled – from more than a decade before – the sign in front of construction works at a Bolivian airport: “Sorry for the bother.”
Another remembered a sign on a broken turnstile at Salzburg passport control: “Out of work.”
What soon became evident was the affection in which these verbal quirks are held. Bright points on an otherwise stressful journey, they have a charm that lingers in the memory. Who cares that the stewardess won’t smile when the brochure promises: “Wide boiled aircraft for your comfort”?
Why worry that the hotel room is tiny – just enjoy the sign that says: “All rooms not denounced by twelve o’clock will be paid for twicely.”
Hard to get too upset by a delayed train whose toilet warns: “Do not be occupying while stabilizing.”
The book, Lost In Translation, featured in the Daily Telegraph last year and sent our message boards crazy. Readers reported hotels in Krakow (“Evacuate yourself with the staircase”), cable cars in China (“Smoking, hubbub, spit are forbidden”), tavernas in Kos (“Kiss Lorraine” and “Chessburger”).
Then the book’s own website (http://www.lostintranslationbook.com/) went live, ensuring the arrival of more long-cherished gems, often with photographic attachments as proof.
Menus are a constant favourite, with restaurants, eager for business, working hard – too hard – on their descriptions: “Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.”
And so a sequel seemed only right and proper. Remembering – as we must – that the rest of the world is far better at English than we are at Dutch or Thai or Mandarin, it nevertheless seems hard not to laugh when your hotel in Greece promises: “Tonight dinner will be served in the swimming pool.” Below are some more highlights.
In front of construction works at Bolivian airport: Sorry for the bother
Above basin in toilet on train, China: Don’t throw things in the pond
Sign on windy road in the Himalayas: Be mild on my curves
Small hotel, Cornwall: Will any guest wishing to take a bath please make arrangements to have one with Mrs Harvey
Munich, Germany: In your room you will find a minibar which is filled with alcoholics
At a wadi in Oman: Drowning accidents are now popular
Czech Republic: We like 2 please our customers but if u r unhappy please see the manager who will give u total satisfaction
In Japanese national park containing monkeys: You had better deposit your baggage into the charge free lockers or it will be ours. But we are not interested in your camera. We do not like to be stared at our eyes. If you do so, we are not responsible for what will happen. We do not hope to be such a monkey. Please, refrain from feeding us
Toledo, Spain: Frozen ice available here
Dydo coffee, Japan: There’s a gallon of deliciousness in every drop
Notice on a door in Sana’a, Yemen: Physio the rapist
Sign outside cottage hospital, Caribbean: Dont (sic) park here, hearse calls daily
“Emergency exit” sign at Beijing Airport: Do no use in peacetime
On snack handed out on China Southern Airways: Airline Pulp
In Japanese car park: Please get a punch at window No 2
Restaurant, France: Fish soup with rust and croutons
Restaurant, France: A confection of plugs and geysers
Restaurant, Switzerland: Half a lawyer with prawns
Restaurant, Yaroslav, Russia: Lorry driver soup
Restaurant, Kos: Kiss Lorraine
Restaurant, China: Dumpling stuffed with the ovary and digestive glands of a crab
Hotel in Canary Islands: Great entertainment – live paella
Hotel, Lake Garda, Italy, offering early evening aperitifs: Martini & nipples On website of a French hotel, restaurant specialities include: The Salmon Smoked House; The Ham of Stage coach House; The Sausage of Ass House; Spotted frog thighs; The flap with shallot; The nice one of pig green pepper
Sign next to Shanghai swimming pool: Bottom of pond very hard and not far from top of water
Budapest: Forbidden to hang out of hotel window. Person which do so will be charge for clean up mess on footpath
Guide to Buenos Aires: Several of the local beaches are very copular in the summer
Sign on Spanish beach: Beach of irregular bottoms
Sign in Japanese park: Keep Japan green don’t burn the fire chief
Sign at the Ethnic Minorities Park, Beijing: Racist Park
Tourism brochure trying to say “Jerusalem – there’s no city like it!”: Jerusalem – there’s no such city!
Japanese sign: Don’t protrude the tartness and keenness out the staircase
Sign for disabled toilet, China: Deformed man toilet
On an oil tanker in India: Edible. Oil tanker!
Road sign, New Mexico: Gusty winds may exist
Sign in Prague hotel: Water is officially drinkable (but not for sucklings), but we don’t recommend to drink it
Hotel brochure, Copenhagen: In fire, the bells rings three times. There is a fine escape on each floor. For other amusements see page 3
Still Lost in Translation by Charlie Croker (Arrow) is available for £10; Lost in Translation (Michael O’Mara) is available for £4.99. Please add 99p p&p for orders costing £9.99 and under; £1.25 for orders over £10. To order please telephone Telegraph Books on 0870 428 4112.
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